Please, let bad luck come in two's
Mar. 29th, 2004 09:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jamesqWell, the weekend started out OK. I had a good time at archery and spent most of Saturday have a good time with the SCAdians. it ended up with a party at Ryan and Wendy's.
Now Wendy and Ryan have all sorts of parties, but they generally end up in two categories for me: Parties where I'm one of the cool people, and parties where I'm an awkward wallflower who can't say or do anything right. This party falls into the latter category. Which is not to say that I didn't enjoy myself - it was enjoyable until I became self-conscious of what was going on. At this point, Gareth (who was potentially my ride home) got tired and decided to leave at 10:30. Sensing that the party peeked for me an hour earlier, I opted to bail out too.
Sunday it all went to hell. As the attentive reader has figured out, I've battled chronic depression for most of my life. It was December 2002 when I finally admitted it and sought treatment. Then for all of 2003 I was on antidepressants and in therapy. I'm off the antidepressants now, but the therapy continues.
During 2003, after i was well into my treatment, I can't really remember being depressed. There were times when I was angry, or hurt, or sad. I was sad when my Mom died for example - but I wasn't depressed. A lot of this was the drugs of course - they softened the edges of all my feelings so that nothing overwhelmed me. I also learned some coping mechanisms.
Sunday was the first time in a long while that I've been depressed.
It started with a phone call from my Brother. Family phone calls always put me on edge because it's never good news. Of late they haven't been too bad, but this was a particularly shitty one. Seems my Sister-in-law wants to control my father's finances. Now this isn't likely mostly because it was Mom's request that Trish and I do it. So far, despite numerous fights and accusations, i have seen no reason to change this. I pointed this out. Then came the emotional blackmail. My Sister-in-law feels that if she doesn't have control of Dad's finances, then she will have to think about whether she can stay with him. It was worded subtlety, but the meaning was clear: Give me control or your Dad goes in a home.
I've already decided how I'm going to deal with this - I have no intention of allowing her to engage in this sort of thing, so I'm going to call her on it. Decide if your staying or going, but understand that it will not influence my decision in any way. If it does it means I'm her bitch for as long as my Dad's alive.
Knowing how to deal and liking your options are two different things though. I was grinding my teeth for most of the morning when the next bombshell hit.
I gave one of my roommates my share of the rent for April. This led to another one of those statements guaranteed to turn your testicles into ice water.
"We need to talk."
Translation: you need to listen to the following bad news and you have no say in the outcome.
I'm out of here by the end of April. it doesn't matter if I have a place or not. Therefore, in addition to looking for a house to buy, I must also look for an apartment to rent. Plus I get to move twice instead of just once. Most likely outcome, I sign a six month lease and get a house in the middle of it, necessitating me breaking the lease and losing a month's rent and my damage deposit. Unless I get lucky and a house that suits my needs becomes available in the next two weeks. Fat chance of that.
The problem is that I have no right to be angry but I'm furious anyway. I'm grateful that they've let me stay here for eight months. Do I repay them by screaming about how unfair it is? The only option I have that allows me to retain friendship with my roommates is to suck it up. I've lost too many friendships to waste the few I have left.
Then little things started to irritate me. Like the fact that they left the house without saying goodbye, like they were deliberately avoiding me. This was when paranoia made it's nasty return and I started thinking that they didn't like me anymore. The evidence was there - the avoidance, the kicking me out, how could I not see it. And if my friends didn't want anything to do with me, it's probably only a matter of time before I get fired.
Combine this with my family problems and you get a man ready to say fuck it. I was entertaining fantasies of just picking up and moving - nobody who knows me now would hear from me again. Somebody in Austin would hire me.
Yep, full blown depression, for the first time in months. And the worst part? I knew it, I could see it. I knew what coping mechanisms to use to pull myself out, but I was just too tired to actually use them. Instead, I had a long walk, got sunburned because I didn't wear a hat (another thing to feel stupid and depressed about, wheee!) and ate sushi.
The sushi was good at least.
Now Wendy and Ryan have all sorts of parties, but they generally end up in two categories for me: Parties where I'm one of the cool people, and parties where I'm an awkward wallflower who can't say or do anything right. This party falls into the latter category. Which is not to say that I didn't enjoy myself - it was enjoyable until I became self-conscious of what was going on. At this point, Gareth (who was potentially my ride home) got tired and decided to leave at 10:30. Sensing that the party peeked for me an hour earlier, I opted to bail out too.
Sunday it all went to hell. As the attentive reader has figured out, I've battled chronic depression for most of my life. It was December 2002 when I finally admitted it and sought treatment. Then for all of 2003 I was on antidepressants and in therapy. I'm off the antidepressants now, but the therapy continues.
During 2003, after i was well into my treatment, I can't really remember being depressed. There were times when I was angry, or hurt, or sad. I was sad when my Mom died for example - but I wasn't depressed. A lot of this was the drugs of course - they softened the edges of all my feelings so that nothing overwhelmed me. I also learned some coping mechanisms.
Sunday was the first time in a long while that I've been depressed.
It started with a phone call from my Brother. Family phone calls always put me on edge because it's never good news. Of late they haven't been too bad, but this was a particularly shitty one. Seems my Sister-in-law wants to control my father's finances. Now this isn't likely mostly because it was Mom's request that Trish and I do it. So far, despite numerous fights and accusations, i have seen no reason to change this. I pointed this out. Then came the emotional blackmail. My Sister-in-law feels that if she doesn't have control of Dad's finances, then she will have to think about whether she can stay with him. It was worded subtlety, but the meaning was clear: Give me control or your Dad goes in a home.
I've already decided how I'm going to deal with this - I have no intention of allowing her to engage in this sort of thing, so I'm going to call her on it. Decide if your staying or going, but understand that it will not influence my decision in any way. If it does it means I'm her bitch for as long as my Dad's alive.
Knowing how to deal and liking your options are two different things though. I was grinding my teeth for most of the morning when the next bombshell hit.
I gave one of my roommates my share of the rent for April. This led to another one of those statements guaranteed to turn your testicles into ice water.
"We need to talk."
Translation: you need to listen to the following bad news and you have no say in the outcome.
I'm out of here by the end of April. it doesn't matter if I have a place or not. Therefore, in addition to looking for a house to buy, I must also look for an apartment to rent. Plus I get to move twice instead of just once. Most likely outcome, I sign a six month lease and get a house in the middle of it, necessitating me breaking the lease and losing a month's rent and my damage deposit. Unless I get lucky and a house that suits my needs becomes available in the next two weeks. Fat chance of that.
The problem is that I have no right to be angry but I'm furious anyway. I'm grateful that they've let me stay here for eight months. Do I repay them by screaming about how unfair it is? The only option I have that allows me to retain friendship with my roommates is to suck it up. I've lost too many friendships to waste the few I have left.
Then little things started to irritate me. Like the fact that they left the house without saying goodbye, like they were deliberately avoiding me. This was when paranoia made it's nasty return and I started thinking that they didn't like me anymore. The evidence was there - the avoidance, the kicking me out, how could I not see it. And if my friends didn't want anything to do with me, it's probably only a matter of time before I get fired.
Combine this with my family problems and you get a man ready to say fuck it. I was entertaining fantasies of just picking up and moving - nobody who knows me now would hear from me again. Somebody in Austin would hire me.
Yep, full blown depression, for the first time in months. And the worst part? I knew it, I could see it. I knew what coping mechanisms to use to pull myself out, but I was just too tired to actually use them. Instead, I had a long walk, got sunburned because I didn't wear a hat (another thing to feel stupid and depressed about, wheee!) and ate sushi.
The sushi was good at least.
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no subject
Date: 2004-03-30 01:18 pm (UTC)I'm sorry you're having such a rough go of things lately.
I can't believe what a Bitch you're SIL is trying to be.
On the other hand, I do have to ask if putting your father in some sort of care home is such a bad thing in and of itself. I'm just trying to understand a little better. I know some people have economic reasons against such, and others have very strong family/emotional ties. (My own grandparents are in a lodge- ask me if you want to know more).
On moving, I wish I could offer you more. We do have those floor-foamies, if you get desperate, but I'm afraid most of your stuff would have to go into storage. I'd also have to clear you staying here with Amber and Andrew beforehand. *hugs*
As for renting and removing, you might be able to find a temporary place that will just let you rent month to month. Some such places are furnished, so you could just store your laundry-room stuff until you've bought a house.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-30 04:41 pm (UTC)I certainly don't expect SIL to do something I can't do - if she feels she can't look after my Dad, so be it. But don't go using my Dad's welfare as a bargaining chip.
Thanks for the offer, but I can't accept it, tempting as it is.