![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jamesqI had grand aspirations to go to Quad War this year, and some half-assed actual plans to make it happen. tl;dr: I didn't.
Despite having gotten rid of most of my camping gear, I still have enough that I could pull off the minimum. I have a pup-tent, an air mattress, a (really quite stellar) sleeping bag, and a cooler. My food plans were going to be whatever I could get in Wainwright, plus leftovers of same. a friend made me some hearty bread, which along with peanut butter, would have been a decent breakfast.
There was going to be plenty of archery to attend, and a few friends were going, so I could socialize with them.
In the lead up this week, my anxiety was flaring up. And I more or less decided that now I had to go because I don't want to be a slave to my anxiety. I've got way too many friends who were simply broken by the lock down, and now just stay home all of the time. I don't want that to be my fate.
Anyway, the lists were made, and I was going to pack the car Thursday, and hop in first thing Friday. But Thursday afternoon I was going over the pros and cons of going. It was a lot of effort without much benefit. But it really came down to two things:
1) I don't have anyone to go with. The camping events I've gone to before where I've had someone to share the event with - the chores and the fun both - have been the best. Going alone simply underlines that I am alone. The editor in the back of my head would constantly be reminding me of that everytime I walk away from a conversation where I feel I've worn out my welcome, or every fire I avoid because I don't want to impose on anyone's hospitality. What kind of person would I be if I knowingly force someone to deal me? And this is a thing I worry about with people who have been my bffs forever.
I know that there are plenty of people in Montengarde and beyond that would be happy to see me, talk to me, briefly. But do I want short gossips and drive-by huggings? I mean, that's better than not having those things, but are they worth two 6-hour drives and two nights without my creature comforts?
2) I don't really feel like I belong in the SCA anymore. I mean, I enjoy garbing up and saying milord/milady as much as the next history-adjacent nerd, but under it all is an actual community, and for a brief shining moment around 2008-2010, I felt like I belonged to that community. After that was a long slow draw where things just got to be more of a chore with no reward. And once I stepped away from volunteering, the SCA stepped away from me. Hell, evidence suggests that the SCA stepped away from me even earlier, and I was just slow to realize the breakup.
Being reminded of that is not fun at all either.
On the other hand, what was I going to do at this event that would have been fun? Shooting. I haven't strung my bow in years, so shaking off those cobwebs and throwing some arrows downrange sounds like fun. The parties at Quad War are a lot of fun too, drinking and camping are a great combination. Catching up with folks I haven't seen in years (even with the caveats above) is fun.
Finally, there's the fact that I've put on a ton of weight over the last three years, and I'm worried that none of my garb fits anymore. Doing that triage was likely to be triggering.
I've long maintained that what I'd really like to do is get a moderate number of ex-SCAdians together and just go camping. I'm not the only person tho think about this, but it never happens - too much competing life bullshit. It's a pity, because I would fucking love to just hang out with friends late into the night at a campfire. I just don't want to drive six hours to do so.
Anyway, I know what my criteria is for future events: It has to either be day-trip distance away - so a Montengarde event that's not too far from the city. Or something that a close friend wants to attend with me. As the Venn diagram of BFFs and SCAdians has diverged into two distinct circles in the last two years, that pretty much means the former, like I did with this year's Montengarde 12th Night.
Or maybe the balance of avoiding-boredom vs potential-triggers will come down on the other side of the scale next year.
--- edit --- And then, after posting, it dawned on me. I'll travel that far for a genuine sense of community - either going where I'm welcomed, or going to share with someone welcoming. But I wouldn't go to that effort for a repeating event that is only providing light entertainment.
Despite having gotten rid of most of my camping gear, I still have enough that I could pull off the minimum. I have a pup-tent, an air mattress, a (really quite stellar) sleeping bag, and a cooler. My food plans were going to be whatever I could get in Wainwright, plus leftovers of same. a friend made me some hearty bread, which along with peanut butter, would have been a decent breakfast.
There was going to be plenty of archery to attend, and a few friends were going, so I could socialize with them.
In the lead up this week, my anxiety was flaring up. And I more or less decided that now I had to go because I don't want to be a slave to my anxiety. I've got way too many friends who were simply broken by the lock down, and now just stay home all of the time. I don't want that to be my fate.
Anyway, the lists were made, and I was going to pack the car Thursday, and hop in first thing Friday. But Thursday afternoon I was going over the pros and cons of going. It was a lot of effort without much benefit. But it really came down to two things:
1) I don't have anyone to go with. The camping events I've gone to before where I've had someone to share the event with - the chores and the fun both - have been the best. Going alone simply underlines that I am alone. The editor in the back of my head would constantly be reminding me of that everytime I walk away from a conversation where I feel I've worn out my welcome, or every fire I avoid because I don't want to impose on anyone's hospitality. What kind of person would I be if I knowingly force someone to deal me? And this is a thing I worry about with people who have been my bffs forever.
I know that there are plenty of people in Montengarde and beyond that would be happy to see me, talk to me, briefly. But do I want short gossips and drive-by huggings? I mean, that's better than not having those things, but are they worth two 6-hour drives and two nights without my creature comforts?
2) I don't really feel like I belong in the SCA anymore. I mean, I enjoy garbing up and saying milord/milady as much as the next history-adjacent nerd, but under it all is an actual community, and for a brief shining moment around 2008-2010, I felt like I belonged to that community. After that was a long slow draw where things just got to be more of a chore with no reward. And once I stepped away from volunteering, the SCA stepped away from me. Hell, evidence suggests that the SCA stepped away from me even earlier, and I was just slow to realize the breakup.
Being reminded of that is not fun at all either.
On the other hand, what was I going to do at this event that would have been fun? Shooting. I haven't strung my bow in years, so shaking off those cobwebs and throwing some arrows downrange sounds like fun. The parties at Quad War are a lot of fun too, drinking and camping are a great combination. Catching up with folks I haven't seen in years (even with the caveats above) is fun.
Finally, there's the fact that I've put on a ton of weight over the last three years, and I'm worried that none of my garb fits anymore. Doing that triage was likely to be triggering.
I've long maintained that what I'd really like to do is get a moderate number of ex-SCAdians together and just go camping. I'm not the only person tho think about this, but it never happens - too much competing life bullshit. It's a pity, because I would fucking love to just hang out with friends late into the night at a campfire. I just don't want to drive six hours to do so.
Anyway, I know what my criteria is for future events: It has to either be day-trip distance away - so a Montengarde event that's not too far from the city. Or something that a close friend wants to attend with me. As the Venn diagram of BFFs and SCAdians has diverged into two distinct circles in the last two years, that pretty much means the former, like I did with this year's Montengarde 12th Night.
Or maybe the balance of avoiding-boredom vs potential-triggers will come down on the other side of the scale next year.
--- edit --- And then, after posting, it dawned on me. I'll travel that far for a genuine sense of community - either going where I'm welcomed, or going to share with someone welcoming. But I wouldn't go to that effort for a repeating event that is only providing light entertainment.
