Games People Play
Jul. 14th, 2020 11:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jamesqI have a pet peeve, and it's about conversation. Casual conversations are not debates. I hope that's not a controversial statement. But some people treat it that way. They try to contradict every statement you make, or one-up it somehow. I don't know if they're trying to somehow "win" at the conversation, but it sure feels that way.
So when a friend on Facebook describes a problem they're having - a problem I myself have had in the past - I offered the solution that worked for me. At no time did I imply it was the only solution, nor that it was a fool proof solution. I simply described how I dealt with the problem, with some guidelines that worked for me. Heck, it isn't even a solution that works all the time for me - I need to continually practice it, for it to work at all.
But of course, someone had to come in and say "that won't work because X". And, OK, fine, maybe it won't work for some people, I never claimed that it would. And it's irritating not because they're right and I'm wrong; it's irritating because there was nothing wrong with my generalization, their addition only distracted from what I was doing without bringing anyone closer to a solution. Also, it seems to have been done to make them feel better about themselves at my expense.
I'm not convinced I'm explaining myself well. Here's an example:
Person-A, who is to all appearances, able-bodied asks person-B, "Can you tell me where the entrance to this building is?"
Person-B: "It's up this flight of stairs, to the left."
Person-C, not part of the conversation to this point, interrupts: "What if person-A can't walk? Then your directions to climb the stairs aren't very good."
Nothing person-C has said is wrong precisely, but it sure is the fuck annoying. It's annoying because they're treating casual conversation like it's something that needs to be won. Won at my expense, when I had no idea we were competing.
But what if they're just trying to help, you ask. All I can say is, I can tell the difference between helping and one-upmanship, and this is the latter. The former (using the example above) might look something like "...and if you can't take those stairs, there's a ramp along that side of the building". Their statement adds, it does not subtract.
Now, I can write for debate. I can cross all my T's and dot all my i's; make sure that every single interpretation of what I said is correct and includes all possible contingencies so that It is iron clad. I can be very good at it, too. But it's fucking exhausting, and I shouldn't have to do it on every comment I make on friend's posts, or in casual conversation. Hell, I'd look like a long-winded pedant if I were to attempt it.
So anyway, I got triggered today by a person who does it all the fucking time, and does it in an unrelentingly negative way. To the point where that was why I unfriended them years ago in the first place. I just don't have the patience for it anymore. I blew up at them, then deleted the original comment when it looked like I'd have to make this post in the comment thread to point out why. Better to peace out than continue there. So I'm doing it here where I can vent.
So when a friend on Facebook describes a problem they're having - a problem I myself have had in the past - I offered the solution that worked for me. At no time did I imply it was the only solution, nor that it was a fool proof solution. I simply described how I dealt with the problem, with some guidelines that worked for me. Heck, it isn't even a solution that works all the time for me - I need to continually practice it, for it to work at all.
But of course, someone had to come in and say "that won't work because X". And, OK, fine, maybe it won't work for some people, I never claimed that it would. And it's irritating not because they're right and I'm wrong; it's irritating because there was nothing wrong with my generalization, their addition only distracted from what I was doing without bringing anyone closer to a solution. Also, it seems to have been done to make them feel better about themselves at my expense.
I'm not convinced I'm explaining myself well. Here's an example:
Person-A, who is to all appearances, able-bodied asks person-B, "Can you tell me where the entrance to this building is?"
Person-B: "It's up this flight of stairs, to the left."
Person-C, not part of the conversation to this point, interrupts: "What if person-A can't walk? Then your directions to climb the stairs aren't very good."
Nothing person-C has said is wrong precisely, but it sure is the fuck annoying. It's annoying because they're treating casual conversation like it's something that needs to be won. Won at my expense, when I had no idea we were competing.
But what if they're just trying to help, you ask. All I can say is, I can tell the difference between helping and one-upmanship, and this is the latter. The former (using the example above) might look something like "...and if you can't take those stairs, there's a ramp along that side of the building". Their statement adds, it does not subtract.
Now, I can write for debate. I can cross all my T's and dot all my i's; make sure that every single interpretation of what I said is correct and includes all possible contingencies so that It is iron clad. I can be very good at it, too. But it's fucking exhausting, and I shouldn't have to do it on every comment I make on friend's posts, or in casual conversation. Hell, I'd look like a long-winded pedant if I were to attempt it.
So anyway, I got triggered today by a person who does it all the fucking time, and does it in an unrelentingly negative way. To the point where that was why I unfriended them years ago in the first place. I just don't have the patience for it anymore. I blew up at them, then deleted the original comment when it looked like I'd have to make this post in the comment thread to point out why. Better to peace out than continue there. So I'm doing it here where I can vent.
