Two Christmas Tales
Dec. 26th, 2017 12:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jamesqTale One
In which our hero gets a stocking full of goodies which cascades into good fortune for all who live in Pepperland.
I spent Christmas Eve at home watching movies. I was was watching Die Hard (as you do), when my roommate Gerry walks in and hands me a Christmas Stocking full of goodies. "For you", he says, then goes back upstairs.
"Shit", I think, "I forgot to get Gerry a present."
I know Gerry likes whisky, so I decide to hit the liquor store for a last minute present. Right after finishing the movie. The movie ends just after 8pm, and I go throw on my shoes, hoping Ger won't notice me and figure out what I'm up to. Notably, it being after 8pm on Christmas Eve, all of my go-to liquor stores (the big ones with huge selections and knowledgable staff who can answer my whisky questions) are closed. Co-op Liquor, long closed; Liquor Depot, Ditto; Crowfoot, just missed it and I could see the staff inside avoiding me; Costco, wolves roaming the parking lot.
Notably, there are two liquor stores in Beacon Hill Mall. The aforementioned Costco, catering to the typical Costco crowd of suburbanite soccer moms, and Solo Liquor, catering to the dear-god-nothing-else-is-open-and-I'm-desparate crowd. Well in this case that was me.
They had a surprisingly good whisky collection for a store that had half its selling space devoted to pallets of Molson Canadian and Miller Lite. After looking at the assorted bottles for ten minutes I selected a 12-year old blended scotch called The Antiquary. mostly I chose it based on the ad-copy and the fact that it has a cool looking bottle. I might turn it into a decanter when Ger is done with it.
Finally, after about an hour of driving all over NW Calgary on a cold blustery night, I get home and wrap the bottle.
Christmas day rolls around.
Now it was the tradition of my family growing up that you could open your stockings on Christmas morning, but you couldn't open any presents until everyone had had breakfast. I was hungry so I actually forgot about the stocking. I made Ger and I pancakes and then I baked the cookie dough I had made the night before (it had to sit in the fridge for a few hours, and I wasn't going to do any baking at three in the morning).
Finally, in the afternoon, I remember that I actually have the stocking, so I go and check it out. First, the stocking itself is really nice. Inside, a coffee mug with a coffee mug cozy around it, hot chocolate, fuzzy car dice, a lot of candy, and a whoopee cushion!
Tale Two
In which our hero's jerk brain punishes him for doing a good deed.
I had an invite to spend Christmas Day with Joel and Colin and I decided to take them up on it. I even bought some mashed potatoes from one of the upscale grocery stores to share with the giant-ass turkey they were cooking up for the two of them. Apparently all Costco employees are given a bird every Christmas. Nice.
Anyway, during the day before I left, I see that my friend Megan is working all day. She's an OB-GYN intern, so a baby doctor. Or given she's an intern, a baby baby doctor. Babies are notorious for not heeding plans and schedules, so she was working Christmas day to catch any babies that come popping out.
I pack my stuff to go to Joel's and add a big box of cookies. Megan had posted a group photo of the Labour & Delivery personnel and I figured they could use some cookies. I omitted any peanut/tree nut cookies in case that would be an issue in a hospital, but make sure there's enough so everyone could have at least one. And then I head off.
I briefly nursed a fantasy of walking out of there with a bunch of phone numbers, because of coursethey'd be that impressed with my baking skills. Hint: That's not how this story ends.
First problem is I get to the unit and can't find anyone. I wander for a bit before I realize I have to get buzzed into a restricted area. I push the intercom button.
Of course, when I think "don't be creepy", I'm in a very real danger of being creepy in the opposite direction that I'm usually creepy. Like if I know I stare to much, I'll end up never making eye contact. or if I think I shouldn't tell off-colour jokes, I won't make any sort of joke at all. I'm not sure what I did today, but I'm sure there was something.
Megan was pleased to see me, but from their reactions, no one else was. While talking with her, I kept looking at everyone else only to see that I had their undivided attention, and no one was speaking. No one was laughing. No one was smiling at all. Probably a dozen women in all, staring and judging. The most positive spin I can put on it was that they were in the middle of some important task and I'd interrupted it. Most negative spin? I'm a cross between Quasimodo and Jabba the Hutt.
I'd have loved to have chatted with her more, because she doesn't make me feel awkward, but damned if I wasn't anxious to get out of there. I was feeling very Shrek-like. Had I known what I was in for, I'd have sprinted in, dropped the cookies on the desk, and sprinted out before the door could fully cycle. Hopefully for humorous effect. This is why I prefer the ghost drop for things like this. You know, like the Christmas stocking.
I hope they enjoyed the cookies, and phone numbers are always appreciated. Ha!
The anxiety went away quickly, and I had a laugh about it with the Joel and Colin later. All three of us knew precisely what that was like and we all did our own self-deprecating riffs on it. I ended up having a pleasant evening watching comedy specials on Netflix with the lads. I've had worse Christmases.
In which our hero gets a stocking full of goodies which cascades into good fortune for all who live in Pepperland.
I spent Christmas Eve at home watching movies. I was was watching Die Hard (as you do), when my roommate Gerry walks in and hands me a Christmas Stocking full of goodies. "For you", he says, then goes back upstairs.
"Shit", I think, "I forgot to get Gerry a present."
I know Gerry likes whisky, so I decide to hit the liquor store for a last minute present. Right after finishing the movie. The movie ends just after 8pm, and I go throw on my shoes, hoping Ger won't notice me and figure out what I'm up to. Notably, it being after 8pm on Christmas Eve, all of my go-to liquor stores (the big ones with huge selections and knowledgable staff who can answer my whisky questions) are closed. Co-op Liquor, long closed; Liquor Depot, Ditto; Crowfoot, just missed it and I could see the staff inside avoiding me; Costco, wolves roaming the parking lot.
Notably, there are two liquor stores in Beacon Hill Mall. The aforementioned Costco, catering to the typical Costco crowd of suburbanite soccer moms, and Solo Liquor, catering to the dear-god-nothing-else-is-open-and-I'm-desparate crowd. Well in this case that was me.
They had a surprisingly good whisky collection for a store that had half its selling space devoted to pallets of Molson Canadian and Miller Lite. After looking at the assorted bottles for ten minutes I selected a 12-year old blended scotch called The Antiquary. mostly I chose it based on the ad-copy and the fact that it has a cool looking bottle. I might turn it into a decanter when Ger is done with it.
Finally, after about an hour of driving all over NW Calgary on a cold blustery night, I get home and wrap the bottle.
Christmas day rolls around.
Now it was the tradition of my family growing up that you could open your stockings on Christmas morning, but you couldn't open any presents until everyone had had breakfast. I was hungry so I actually forgot about the stocking. I made Ger and I pancakes and then I baked the cookie dough I had made the night before (it had to sit in the fridge for a few hours, and I wasn't going to do any baking at three in the morning).
Finally, in the afternoon, I remember that I actually have the stocking, so I go and check it out. First, the stocking itself is really nice. Inside, a coffee mug with a coffee mug cozy around it, hot chocolate, fuzzy car dice, a lot of candy, and a whoopee cushion!
"Hey Gerry, thanks for the whoopee cushion. Now when I let off a berepper you won't know if it's real or simulated."So I have no clue who gave it to me, just likely suspects. Due to proximity, I figured Blue or Althea, but they're both out of town. That leaves assorted folks in the NW, since my guess is that road conditions ruled out anyone farther. Anyway, Ger got a nice bottle of whisky out of it. I had a wee dram and it seems good to my rum-preferring tongue.
"What?"
"The whoopee cushion. And all the other stuff in the stocking... that you gave me... last night. Good grief man, don't you remember what you put in the stocking you gave to me?"
"I didn't give you that stocking. The doorbell rang while you were watching the movie, and when I got to the door there was no one there. Just the stocking."
Tale Two
In which our hero's jerk brain punishes him for doing a good deed.
I had an invite to spend Christmas Day with Joel and Colin and I decided to take them up on it. I even bought some mashed potatoes from one of the upscale grocery stores to share with the giant-ass turkey they were cooking up for the two of them. Apparently all Costco employees are given a bird every Christmas. Nice.
Anyway, during the day before I left, I see that my friend Megan is working all day. She's an OB-GYN intern, so a baby doctor. Or given she's an intern, a baby baby doctor. Babies are notorious for not heeding plans and schedules, so she was working Christmas day to catch any babies that come popping out.
I pack my stuff to go to Joel's and add a big box of cookies. Megan had posted a group photo of the Labour & Delivery personnel and I figured they could use some cookies. I omitted any peanut/tree nut cookies in case that would be an issue in a hospital, but make sure there's enough so everyone could have at least one. And then I head off.
I briefly nursed a fantasy of walking out of there with a bunch of phone numbers, because of coursethey'd be that impressed with my baking skills. Hint: That's not how this story ends.
First problem is I get to the unit and can't find anyone. I wander for a bit before I realize I have to get buzzed into a restricted area. I push the intercom button.
"Can I help you?" says the disembodied voice.Now what I was expecting was a desk with a head nurse. I'd talk to her and hand off the cookies, or if I'm lucky and Megan isn't busy, they'd page her and I'd give her the cookies directly. Nope. What I got was a dozen smart , good looking women (I'm inferring the smart from their being health-care professionals, the good-looking was self evident) staring at me like I was intruding on their turf. And of course my brain locks up with a combination of whatever-you-do-don't-be-creepy, and bashful buzzard.
Thinking: "I'm in labour".
Actually saying "I have a Christmas present for Dr. Megan."
"Come on in!"
Of course, when I think "don't be creepy", I'm in a very real danger of being creepy in the opposite direction that I'm usually creepy. Like if I know I stare to much, I'll end up never making eye contact. or if I think I shouldn't tell off-colour jokes, I won't make any sort of joke at all. I'm not sure what I did today, but I'm sure there was something.
Megan was pleased to see me, but from their reactions, no one else was. While talking with her, I kept looking at everyone else only to see that I had their undivided attention, and no one was speaking. No one was laughing. No one was smiling at all. Probably a dozen women in all, staring and judging. The most positive spin I can put on it was that they were in the middle of some important task and I'd interrupted it. Most negative spin? I'm a cross between Quasimodo and Jabba the Hutt.
I'd have loved to have chatted with her more, because she doesn't make me feel awkward, but damned if I wasn't anxious to get out of there. I was feeling very Shrek-like. Had I known what I was in for, I'd have sprinted in, dropped the cookies on the desk, and sprinted out before the door could fully cycle. Hopefully for humorous effect. This is why I prefer the ghost drop for things like this. You know, like the Christmas stocking.
I hope they enjoyed the cookies, and phone numbers are always appreciated. Ha!
The anxiety went away quickly, and I had a laugh about it with the Joel and Colin later. All three of us knew precisely what that was like and we all did our own self-deprecating riffs on it. I ended up having a pleasant evening watching comedy specials on Netflix with the lads. I've had worse Christmases.
