Neurotic Thoughts on Expo Non-Attendance
Apr. 28th, 2014 05:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jamesqStill avoiding my soul-searching post. At least it answered the question "Would you rather do this, or your taxes?". My taxes, I'm happy to say, are now done. This is not that post.
I went to Banff this weekend. I could have gone to the Calgary Comic Expo. I had ample opportunity to buy normal tickets, and even had two offers for a Sunday day pass. Still didn't go. I maintain that there are plenty of people who haven't been to CCE, and there are plenty of bigger geeks in Calgary, but there is no bigger geek in Calgary who hasn't gone to CCE. I've been wrestling with why that is.
I think I would jump at the chance to go if I had a con buddy, or if I had a VIP pass. The best times I've had at SF conventions were when I had someone to spend time with. And the problem with something as big as CCE is that you're going to spend a lot of time in line-ups. Line-ups by themselves are neutral. Being the only person in the line-up by yourself sucks ass. It sort of draws a big square around your alone-ness and pens in a few arrows for good measure. That feeling of being alone in a crowd is the main thing that triggers me when I'm at SCA things, and thinking back it did the same thing at SF conventions. It's a big part of the reason I stopped going years ago (the other was that Calgary's original SF convention, ConVersion, sucks - or at least it did from 1986 until 2001, when I finally gave up on it).
Again, this isn't really about whether a con is good or bad, it's about my reaction to it. A bad (in the SCA or SF Convention context) experience by yourself just sucks. A bad experience shared with someone at least has the possibilities of being an adventure. I have some decent adventures with friends that sprang from an otherwise shitty SF convention.
And that's why it came down to "buddy" or "VIP". If I got a VIP pass, I'd be able to skip a lot of the line-ups. I could glide from one experience to another without having to spend any time in my own head, thinking about how I was alone. And not just alone, but alone in a crowd of socially awkward geeks. Alone in the last group I'd be expected to be alone in. In other circumstances I could at least blame my loneliness on being a socially awkward geek. At an SCA event or SF con, the only reason is that, even by the standards of geeks, I have nothing that attracts and plenty that repulses. When Cat-piss man is hanging out with his friends, and you're by yourself, what does that say about you?
Of course, the alternative to being lonely is not being alone, which is why a con buddy would have been great - even better than a VIP pass. Sadly, I can't ask someone to be my con buddy, because that would ruin the internal sense that that person wanted to be with me. If I have to ask, and they agree, I can always mentally draw some horrible conclusion like "they're only here out of a sense of obligation."
So I didn't go, and once again was inundated with my CCE comments on my assorted social networks. I decided to go have a me-day in Banff. And despite being by myself, I had a good time. Oh, those thoughts were still there - the thoughts that say "here you are in a fancy restaurant - by yourself, loser." but I managed to counter those fairly effectively. No really, despite what you read above, the countering thoughts really did work. I got some exercise, a few rich meals, and the weather was, despite the predictions, really really nice. The drive was relaxing and there was barely any crowds on the road, in Banff, or in the hot springs. That's almost unheard of.
I'll try to grab VIP tickets again next year. That seems the most likely of the two solutions.
I went to Banff this weekend. I could have gone to the Calgary Comic Expo. I had ample opportunity to buy normal tickets, and even had two offers for a Sunday day pass. Still didn't go. I maintain that there are plenty of people who haven't been to CCE, and there are plenty of bigger geeks in Calgary, but there is no bigger geek in Calgary who hasn't gone to CCE. I've been wrestling with why that is.
I think I would jump at the chance to go if I had a con buddy, or if I had a VIP pass. The best times I've had at SF conventions were when I had someone to spend time with. And the problem with something as big as CCE is that you're going to spend a lot of time in line-ups. Line-ups by themselves are neutral. Being the only person in the line-up by yourself sucks ass. It sort of draws a big square around your alone-ness and pens in a few arrows for good measure. That feeling of being alone in a crowd is the main thing that triggers me when I'm at SCA things, and thinking back it did the same thing at SF conventions. It's a big part of the reason I stopped going years ago (the other was that Calgary's original SF convention, ConVersion, sucks - or at least it did from 1986 until 2001, when I finally gave up on it).
Again, this isn't really about whether a con is good or bad, it's about my reaction to it. A bad (in the SCA or SF Convention context) experience by yourself just sucks. A bad experience shared with someone at least has the possibilities of being an adventure. I have some decent adventures with friends that sprang from an otherwise shitty SF convention.
And that's why it came down to "buddy" or "VIP". If I got a VIP pass, I'd be able to skip a lot of the line-ups. I could glide from one experience to another without having to spend any time in my own head, thinking about how I was alone. And not just alone, but alone in a crowd of socially awkward geeks. Alone in the last group I'd be expected to be alone in. In other circumstances I could at least blame my loneliness on being a socially awkward geek. At an SCA event or SF con, the only reason is that, even by the standards of geeks, I have nothing that attracts and plenty that repulses. When Cat-piss man is hanging out with his friends, and you're by yourself, what does that say about you?
Of course, the alternative to being lonely is not being alone, which is why a con buddy would have been great - even better than a VIP pass. Sadly, I can't ask someone to be my con buddy, because that would ruin the internal sense that that person wanted to be with me. If I have to ask, and they agree, I can always mentally draw some horrible conclusion like "they're only here out of a sense of obligation."
So I didn't go, and once again was inundated with my CCE comments on my assorted social networks. I decided to go have a me-day in Banff. And despite being by myself, I had a good time. Oh, those thoughts were still there - the thoughts that say "here you are in a fancy restaurant - by yourself, loser." but I managed to counter those fairly effectively. No really, despite what you read above, the countering thoughts really did work. I got some exercise, a few rich meals, and the weather was, despite the predictions, really really nice. The drive was relaxing and there was barely any crowds on the road, in Banff, or in the hot springs. That's almost unheard of.
I'll try to grab VIP tickets again next year. That seems the most likely of the two solutions.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2014-04-29 04:17 pm (UTC)I'm not kidding. I'll even bring along Kate (if you didn't mind), but not to everything. Nothing more geeky than dragging the young adult kid to geeky things, but she's just as nerdy as me.
:-)