Sharp Knees
Oct. 8th, 2012 03:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jamesqI few weeks ago I fell into the orbit of someone else's drama. Thankfully it was brief. It did trigger some of my own drama (hence why I'm still thinking about it weeks later).
We were at a BBQ and I was chatting with some people and the subject of what you look for in a mate came up. I gave my usual generic response of "compatible, healthy, intelligent and funny" when someone outside the conversation interrupted.
As an aside, when I say that weight discussions send her off even in comparison to me that should give you an idea of just how bad it is.
The conversation got under my skin. Not just because of the confrontational nature of it (seriously, you don't have a clue what my hopes and dreams are, so don't claim that you know me better than I know myself), but also because people can change.
Even if I did have a hyper-specific ideal mate in the past, I've changed and what I desired as a younger man is not what I desire now. People change.
So what do I want now? Well red-heads are awfully nice. So are blondes and brunettes. So are women with hair dyed into colours that don't occur in nature. Actually that last one is rather appealing, especially if it's purple. As for looks/weight in general, well I have a few traits I find un-attractive and if you're healthy and lack those traits, I probably think you're good looking.
If I'm really generous, I've had quasi-romantic relationships with five women now. Objectively, none of them were perfect beauties, but when I was with them I was blind to their flaws. When each relationship was over it changed my criteria for subsequent ones and always for the better. I regret none of them though I often wish that some of them were longer.
I'm lucky to never have had a "psycho-ex", though I worry that the rules about cosplay and poker are the reason why. For those who don't know, the cosplay rule is: if you're cosplaying in a group and you can't figure out who the fat cosplayer is, it's you. The poker rule is: If you're playing poker and you can't figure out who the rube at the table is, it's you. Was I the psycho-ex? I can think of twice where I probably was. Thankfully, each was 15+ years ago.
When I'm imaging myself spending my life with a partner, I rarely define what they look like in my mind's eye. Better to focus on feelings and my own actions. I suspect this is partly because I don't want to imagine it in too much detail. I also try not to imagine it too often, because there's always an element of hurt. I can't think of it without also dwelling on how it hasn't happened and likely never will. I don't like thinking about that, but there are times when I can't help it.
One of those times is family holidays, which is why this came bubbling up on Thanksgiving. I've got the holiday-lonelies. I suspect this is going to be a bad winter. I'll need to hone the tools that keep depression away, I'll be using them a lot.
We were at a BBQ and I was chatting with some people and the subject of what you look for in a mate came up. I gave my usual generic response of "compatible, healthy, intelligent and funny" when someone outside the conversation interrupted.
"NO, that's NOT your ideal mate", she said.For the record, I don't remember the conversation. Pretty sure I wouldn't have been that specific in a conversation about mate traits. I might have been asked for something much more specific like "if you could have any physical traits in a mate, what would they be". Like if I was making a request from a djinn or something. Anyway, I attempted to make that point to the lady in question.
"Pardon me?"
"I remember you talking to [someone years ago] and you said you're ideal mate had to be a willowy red-head."
"You might be misremembering that conversation."
"We were probably talking about perfect mates and there are no perfect mates."At about that time I realize that I had stepped into her drama and this really wasn't a conversation about me. She's just a person who has a chip on her shoulder about her (perceived lack of) looks and her weight. Which is why I don't bring up the topic of looks or weight with her. I really don't need to hear it since I've got my own issues with both.
"NO, you said she had to be a WILLOWY REDHEAD."
As an aside, when I say that weight discussions send her off even in comparison to me that should give you an idea of just how bad it is.
The conversation got under my skin. Not just because of the confrontational nature of it (seriously, you don't have a clue what my hopes and dreams are, so don't claim that you know me better than I know myself), but also because people can change.
Even if I did have a hyper-specific ideal mate in the past, I've changed and what I desired as a younger man is not what I desire now. People change.
So what do I want now? Well red-heads are awfully nice. So are blondes and brunettes. So are women with hair dyed into colours that don't occur in nature. Actually that last one is rather appealing, especially if it's purple. As for looks/weight in general, well I have a few traits I find un-attractive and if you're healthy and lack those traits, I probably think you're good looking.
If I'm really generous, I've had quasi-romantic relationships with five women now. Objectively, none of them were perfect beauties, but when I was with them I was blind to their flaws. When each relationship was over it changed my criteria for subsequent ones and always for the better. I regret none of them though I often wish that some of them were longer.
I'm lucky to never have had a "psycho-ex", though I worry that the rules about cosplay and poker are the reason why. For those who don't know, the cosplay rule is: if you're cosplaying in a group and you can't figure out who the fat cosplayer is, it's you. The poker rule is: If you're playing poker and you can't figure out who the rube at the table is, it's you. Was I the psycho-ex? I can think of twice where I probably was. Thankfully, each was 15+ years ago.
When I'm imaging myself spending my life with a partner, I rarely define what they look like in my mind's eye. Better to focus on feelings and my own actions. I suspect this is partly because I don't want to imagine it in too much detail. I also try not to imagine it too often, because there's always an element of hurt. I can't think of it without also dwelling on how it hasn't happened and likely never will. I don't like thinking about that, but there are times when I can't help it.
One of those times is family holidays, which is why this came bubbling up on Thanksgiving. I've got the holiday-lonelies. I suspect this is going to be a bad winter. I'll need to hone the tools that keep depression away, I'll be using them a lot.
no subject
Date: 2012-10-10 07:03 pm (UTC)However I think the topic in question was a bit more specific then "what do you want for a mate"... I would actually bet it was a riff on 'perfect mates' or 'what is your physical ideal' and the Willowy Redhead response was a joke on your part that none of the rest of us took that seriously.
It is entirely possible that you were using the response as a stock reply during that time.
You're also right - you've changed. We all have. This is a good thing and you know it.
:)
no subject
Date: 2012-10-10 07:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-10-10 08:07 pm (UTC)Anyone who didn't know you were joking clearly needs more down time. (in the please step away from the edge sort of manner)
:)
I remember only because I recall saying something about tall, blonde, and blue-eyed; which, while it would be nice, is not primary among my criteria by a long shot.