Meme-oires 02: First Love
Sep. 2nd, 2010 10:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jamesqQuick preamble here: Love does not come easily to me and it has never ended well. But that's not the same as it never happening at all.
My first love was WG, she was tangentially involved with Grey Mountain Holt (the Elfquest fan club I mentioned last post) which is how we met. I was 21, she was 19. She was a petite nerdy girl who was occasionally blonde and occasionally brunette, depending on when she last had her hair done.
I'm not sure why we started hanging around with each other (as opposed to only seeing each other in groups). I suspect it started with our first kiss (I'll go into more detail about that on Day 16), which was more of a prank then anything. It did give us a spark though and that fanned into flames soon enough.
WG had a job that required a bus trip. As luck would have it the bus stop near her home was next to the gas station I worked at. Timing also good as she would get off the bus at a time when I was the only person in the store and things were really slow. She'd often come in and we'd chat for a half hour or so (or longer, as time went on). That, I think, more then anything was how we bonded and got to know each other.
I was head-over-heels for this girl, and I like to think she was in love with me too. Seeing her was always a rush of nervous energy combined with joy. Playful teasing and flirting were what we mostly got up to.
But it was not to be. The biggest and most obvious obstacle to a continuing relationship was the fact that she was already in a relationship with someone else. We broke things off at first but still hung out. Unfortunately, that was not enough and one day, she treated me like dirt in what hind-sight tells me was a deliberate effort to make a clean break.
I was pretty bitter about how things went for years. In fact the feelings did not go away until I started a relationship with another girl. The bitterness evaporated pretty quickly after that and I'm a little ashamed that I held onto my anger for so long.
Hindsight also tells me that I personally wasn't capable of a sustained relationship with anyone at that point. I had mental problems that I hadn't even begun to identify yet, much less learn coping mechanisms for. I couldn't take care of myself, much less her (and there were a few years there where she did need taking care of - the results of a disorder that required surgery to put behind her). As far as I know, she's been happily married to a fellow for close to 20 years now. I wish her well, even though I can't tell her that personally.
My first love was WG, she was tangentially involved with Grey Mountain Holt (the Elfquest fan club I mentioned last post) which is how we met. I was 21, she was 19. She was a petite nerdy girl who was occasionally blonde and occasionally brunette, depending on when she last had her hair done.
I'm not sure why we started hanging around with each other (as opposed to only seeing each other in groups). I suspect it started with our first kiss (I'll go into more detail about that on Day 16), which was more of a prank then anything. It did give us a spark though and that fanned into flames soon enough.
WG had a job that required a bus trip. As luck would have it the bus stop near her home was next to the gas station I worked at. Timing also good as she would get off the bus at a time when I was the only person in the store and things were really slow. She'd often come in and we'd chat for a half hour or so (or longer, as time went on). That, I think, more then anything was how we bonded and got to know each other.
I was head-over-heels for this girl, and I like to think she was in love with me too. Seeing her was always a rush of nervous energy combined with joy. Playful teasing and flirting were what we mostly got up to.
But it was not to be. The biggest and most obvious obstacle to a continuing relationship was the fact that she was already in a relationship with someone else. We broke things off at first but still hung out. Unfortunately, that was not enough and one day, she treated me like dirt in what hind-sight tells me was a deliberate effort to make a clean break.
I was pretty bitter about how things went for years. In fact the feelings did not go away until I started a relationship with another girl. The bitterness evaporated pretty quickly after that and I'm a little ashamed that I held onto my anger for so long.
Hindsight also tells me that I personally wasn't capable of a sustained relationship with anyone at that point. I had mental problems that I hadn't even begun to identify yet, much less learn coping mechanisms for. I couldn't take care of myself, much less her (and there were a few years there where she did need taking care of - the results of a disorder that required surgery to put behind her). As far as I know, she's been happily married to a fellow for close to 20 years now. I wish her well, even though I can't tell her that personally.
