I Want a Divorce
Aug. 13th, 2010 12:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jamesqMy relationship with my belly is dysfunctional. I've stuffed its face with wedding cake and I call it the-old-ball-and-chain. That's certainly evidence that I want out.
Sadly, a divorce is not possible. Instead I have to murder this person, one tediously difficult pound at a time. The thin person within and the fat person without need to switch places.
In practical terms, none of my clothing fits anymore. I fell awful and bloated all the time. My back aches and exercising has become much more difficult. I've crossed the threshold from "fat but reasonably healthy" to "grossly obese and unhealthy because of it". And I want to run a half-marathon in less then two months? Gah.
It really sucks when you're in an abusive relationship with yourself.
Enough!
I've started journalling again. I'm also trying positive affirmations, but I feel supremely awkward when I speak them aloud - to the point where I can barely get the words out. It's like looking in a mirror and saying "I have blue eyes". It feels wrong. Crazy people talk to themselves, especially if they say things that are demonstrably not true.
Intellectually, I recognize why it feels so wrong - I've had a lifetime of making negative statements about myself, so it goes against the grain of all those bad neural pathways. The point of the exercise is to build new neural pathways to help with the hoped-for lifestyle changes. It's not that they're true statements - it's that I want them to become true. So saying "I'm a fit person who eats healthy" might be untrue now, but I certainly hope it won't be in the future. Saying it out loud emphasizes the level of commitment.
Of course, all the positive affirmative statements in the world won't make a bit of difference if I don't do something concrete, like actually eating better and exercising.
But lordy it's hard. Doubly so with no support and vague, ephemeral reward for success.
So be a little forgiving of the constant whining - they come from the Sisyphean striving.
Sadly, a divorce is not possible. Instead I have to murder this person, one tediously difficult pound at a time. The thin person within and the fat person without need to switch places.
In practical terms, none of my clothing fits anymore. I fell awful and bloated all the time. My back aches and exercising has become much more difficult. I've crossed the threshold from "fat but reasonably healthy" to "grossly obese and unhealthy because of it". And I want to run a half-marathon in less then two months? Gah.
It really sucks when you're in an abusive relationship with yourself.
Enough!
I've started journalling again. I'm also trying positive affirmations, but I feel supremely awkward when I speak them aloud - to the point where I can barely get the words out. It's like looking in a mirror and saying "I have blue eyes". It feels wrong. Crazy people talk to themselves, especially if they say things that are demonstrably not true.
Intellectually, I recognize why it feels so wrong - I've had a lifetime of making negative statements about myself, so it goes against the grain of all those bad neural pathways. The point of the exercise is to build new neural pathways to help with the hoped-for lifestyle changes. It's not that they're true statements - it's that I want them to become true. So saying "I'm a fit person who eats healthy" might be untrue now, but I certainly hope it won't be in the future. Saying it out loud emphasizes the level of commitment.
Of course, all the positive affirmative statements in the world won't make a bit of difference if I don't do something concrete, like actually eating better and exercising.
But lordy it's hard. Doubly so with no support and vague, ephemeral reward for success.
So be a little forgiving of the constant whining - they come from the Sisyphean striving.
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no subject
Date: 2010-08-16 09:51 am (UTC)I got that little crazy artist voice in my head that says things like: "You're not good enough! This sucks! Do it over! Tear it up! Nobody will like this! Everything you make is terrible!" and stuff like that, and the only way to get it to shut up sometimes is to yell at myself.
I'M NOT CRAZY I SWEAR.