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jamesqThe problem with spending two weeks with my friends is I'd like them to stay my friends. As someone who routinely pisses people off, I work hard at not doing this. Unfortunately, my track record for wanting something and acheiving something is not good.
Anxiety is a good example. I'll tell my body to do something - ask a girl out say - and I simply can't do it. I'll freeze, or run away, or thwart myself with some kind of doomed-to-fail "You don't wnat to go out with me do you" statement. It's painful sometimes, the knowledge that you simply cannot do something so blindingly simple.
Weight loss is another thing that should be simple (It's just a matter of making sure the calories spent are greater then the calories consumed) that I simply cannot do. I haven't been to a WW meeting in a month. I'm probably up over 250 again. Hell, I have great odds on being past 260 again. Or as I like to put it 40 pounds too heavy to know a woman's touch again.
Archery is something I used to be able to do. With a lot of practice, I did get to a point where my body would do what I told it. I was very close to becoming a grand master. I'm fairly certain that's never going to happen either. Here's some proof.
On Wednesday, when shooting didn't matter a whit, I shot pretty good. Thursday, I shot like ass. Friday, I walked out on the range and thought "OK, put all those past shots out of your mind. There is only this arrow. Shot so that it feels good and don't worry about the score." I closed my eyes, cleared my mind, opened them and did everything you're supposed to do to shoot well and consistently.
I missed by a mile.
Ok, clearly something was wrong. I closed my eyes again, took a couple of deep breaths and started over.
I missed by a mile.
These were easy targets. Ones that I could have easily hit normally.
So my ability to shoot is simply gone. I opted for the Allister method of simply filling the air with arrows and hoping that some of them accidentally intersected the targets. This worked about as well as you'd imagine.
A total stranger sidles up to me while I wait the usual Atenveldt eternity to retrieve my arrows. She says,"Zen archery states that the arrow and the target are not seperate - you need only make them the same in your mind." Or something. The urge to respond with "and not missing, which I just did, and thank you for pointing that out" was high. "mind your own business" was even higher.
Later, on another target with something on the order of 50 arrows in it, I have some trouble retreiving one of my arrows because, being in the middle of a cluster, I could neither get a good grip on it, nor get any leverage on it, some guy helpfully points out that if I were to twist the arrow back and forth it would come out easier. Well yeah, that and waiting until I could get a decent grip and some leverage.
A friend who had finished shooting asks "did you want me to keep you company?" I politely decline, pointing out that I'm in a foul mood. He redoubles his efforts because I'm in a foul mood. Now I really don't want him around because his being there will do nothing to make me feel less foul and will actually make things worse because now I'll feel guilty about being in a foul mood and subjecting him to it. That of forcing myself to keep it pent up longer to put on a false face of happiness.
At this point I resolved that the constant sickness, tiredness and actual physical pain I've endured camping have reduced my emotional gas tank to empty. There was nothing left. I was done and I wanted to get the hell off of site. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to be gone.
I resolved to sneak out like a theif in the night. Naturally, the maze you have to drive through to get off site managed to take me down the main road while three friends were crossing it right in front of my car. "Going into town for a bit", one asked? I grunted "sure" which translates to "No, but I haven't the mental energy to talk/debate what I'm actually doing without it turning into a red-faced rant that you don't deserve". Yet another example of not having a body that follows the mind's orders and why I lose friends.
The maze succeeded in trapping me in the opposite parking lot from my camp and me drivng over barbed wire. If any of my tires are flat tomorrow, there will be hell to pay.
Eventually I got off site and drove into Phoenix and parked at a movie theatre, where I watched Perngully for the second time. Now I'm sitting in a Motel 8 in Mesa writing emo whining bullshit. Hopefully a good nights sleep where I don't wake up feeling like my kidneys have been punched will improve my mood. It won't help the larger problems, but maybe I'll be able to bury that for another week so I don't alienate any more people.
Of course, when I go to shoot tomorrow's targets and once again miss everything, we'll see if my desire to stay continues. I think the odds of one of my party bitching about how inconsiderate I am is 50/50. I know who it will be too. This too will put me back to zero.
I swear, if I didn't have people depending on me, I'd be halfway back to Calgary right now. Nothing like a little medieval re-enacting to underline what an inadequite human being you are. Ironically, I was quite enjoying myself right up until about 30 hours ago. Not being able to hold onto that is another way in which my body fails my mind.
Not that the mind is any great shakes either - having friends try to cheer me up should, you know, cheer me up. But my mind won't ever let that happen. Nope, it has to dig in it's heels.
Fucking atypical depression, disobediant body, social retardidness and introversion - how I hate you wll with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.
Anxiety is a good example. I'll tell my body to do something - ask a girl out say - and I simply can't do it. I'll freeze, or run away, or thwart myself with some kind of doomed-to-fail "You don't wnat to go out with me do you" statement. It's painful sometimes, the knowledge that you simply cannot do something so blindingly simple.
Weight loss is another thing that should be simple (It's just a matter of making sure the calories spent are greater then the calories consumed) that I simply cannot do. I haven't been to a WW meeting in a month. I'm probably up over 250 again. Hell, I have great odds on being past 260 again. Or as I like to put it 40 pounds too heavy to know a woman's touch again.
Archery is something I used to be able to do. With a lot of practice, I did get to a point where my body would do what I told it. I was very close to becoming a grand master. I'm fairly certain that's never going to happen either. Here's some proof.
On Wednesday, when shooting didn't matter a whit, I shot pretty good. Thursday, I shot like ass. Friday, I walked out on the range and thought "OK, put all those past shots out of your mind. There is only this arrow. Shot so that it feels good and don't worry about the score." I closed my eyes, cleared my mind, opened them and did everything you're supposed to do to shoot well and consistently.
I missed by a mile.
Ok, clearly something was wrong. I closed my eyes again, took a couple of deep breaths and started over.
I missed by a mile.
These were easy targets. Ones that I could have easily hit normally.
So my ability to shoot is simply gone. I opted for the Allister method of simply filling the air with arrows and hoping that some of them accidentally intersected the targets. This worked about as well as you'd imagine.
A total stranger sidles up to me while I wait the usual Atenveldt eternity to retrieve my arrows. She says,"Zen archery states that the arrow and the target are not seperate - you need only make them the same in your mind." Or something. The urge to respond with "and not missing, which I just did, and thank you for pointing that out" was high. "mind your own business" was even higher.
Later, on another target with something on the order of 50 arrows in it, I have some trouble retreiving one of my arrows because, being in the middle of a cluster, I could neither get a good grip on it, nor get any leverage on it, some guy helpfully points out that if I were to twist the arrow back and forth it would come out easier. Well yeah, that and waiting until I could get a decent grip and some leverage.
A friend who had finished shooting asks "did you want me to keep you company?" I politely decline, pointing out that I'm in a foul mood. He redoubles his efforts because I'm in a foul mood. Now I really don't want him around because his being there will do nothing to make me feel less foul and will actually make things worse because now I'll feel guilty about being in a foul mood and subjecting him to it. That of forcing myself to keep it pent up longer to put on a false face of happiness.
At this point I resolved that the constant sickness, tiredness and actual physical pain I've endured camping have reduced my emotional gas tank to empty. There was nothing left. I was done and I wanted to get the hell off of site. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to be gone.
I resolved to sneak out like a theif in the night. Naturally, the maze you have to drive through to get off site managed to take me down the main road while three friends were crossing it right in front of my car. "Going into town for a bit", one asked? I grunted "sure" which translates to "No, but I haven't the mental energy to talk/debate what I'm actually doing without it turning into a red-faced rant that you don't deserve". Yet another example of not having a body that follows the mind's orders and why I lose friends.
The maze succeeded in trapping me in the opposite parking lot from my camp and me drivng over barbed wire. If any of my tires are flat tomorrow, there will be hell to pay.
Eventually I got off site and drove into Phoenix and parked at a movie theatre, where I watched Perngully for the second time. Now I'm sitting in a Motel 8 in Mesa writing emo whining bullshit. Hopefully a good nights sleep where I don't wake up feeling like my kidneys have been punched will improve my mood. It won't help the larger problems, but maybe I'll be able to bury that for another week so I don't alienate any more people.
Of course, when I go to shoot tomorrow's targets and once again miss everything, we'll see if my desire to stay continues. I think the odds of one of my party bitching about how inconsiderate I am is 50/50. I know who it will be too. This too will put me back to zero.
I swear, if I didn't have people depending on me, I'd be halfway back to Calgary right now. Nothing like a little medieval re-enacting to underline what an inadequite human being you are. Ironically, I was quite enjoying myself right up until about 30 hours ago. Not being able to hold onto that is another way in which my body fails my mind.
Not that the mind is any great shakes either - having friends try to cheer me up should, you know, cheer me up. But my mind won't ever let that happen. Nope, it has to dig in it's heels.
Fucking atypical depression, disobediant body, social retardidness and introversion - how I hate you wll with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.
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no subject
Date: 2010-02-13 10:17 am (UTC)But remember this: We all love and admire you. You may not know this, but a couple of times, when I've needed a role model for just putting my head down and persisted in getting the damned whatever accomplished, I've looked to you. I know I'm not the only one who's done this. (And I've pointed you out to newbies, as an example of how to behave well in the face of pressure. 'Cuz it sure ain't me they're looking for, in that instance.)
As for the shortfalls: well, The Calorie Battle is not one you fight alone. I think I've put on about fifteen pounds in the last month, because all I did was eat, sleep and write essays. I could have eaten good food, healthy food, harmless food. Instead, I relied on cheap frozen curries, mounds of rice, and chocolate, because it was less taxing on my brain and my willpower. (Oh, yeah, let's not forget about the beer and chips. I didn't HAVE to have them. I just did, because they were an easy form of comfort, and I wanted them, and I told myself that 'just this once' wouldn't hurt. Of course, doing that five times a week does not amount to 'just this once'in any universe, but my ability to lie to myself knows no bounds.)
OTOH, I think even the 'You wouldn't want to go out with me?' approach should not be ruled out. If you did it often enough, you might hit on someone who responds with 'Yes, I do.' I am reminded of a guy I met in a bar once. He just went up to all the girls he fancied and asked them if they wanted to fuck him. He said about 99 per cent of the time, he got outrage and rejection (he'd been slapped four times, and beaten up by one girl's brother, too) but every so often - just often enough to keep it worthwhile - he got a 'Yup, sure, where?' response. Odds are, if you asked, one thing and possibly two things might happen. The first is that you might get used to the asking (in which case a better line might present itself) and two - even more likely - someone would say yes.
I am not big on rejection - it is so insanely painful, and I may be the postergirl for the really huge rejection, although I'm not alone, especially in my age group - but I do rationalise it as being similar to lotteries. I don't go in expecting to win. It's just that I can't win if I don't have a ticket.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-15 05:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-13 08:16 pm (UTC)Go ahead and wallow, roll around in the misery a bit, stop fighting it. Go lock yourself up in a quiet room with some video games, book, and or movies and let your mind go for a bit. I do it when I'm on empty, I rant, I rave, I bitch, I cry. I think stupid, useless, sometimes dangerous thoughts. Then when I'm empty, when its all drained out and before the guilt of the wallow hits me, I step back out into the world and find I can put that smile back on my face, and before long... its a real one. Sometimes you need to open the wound to drain the pus before it spreads infection everywhere. Its the only reason I havn't actually run the blade up my arm when I sitting there with it to my wrist on the rare occassion the pain and shit have eaten me up.
Keep fighting dude the world would be a dim, dark, boring place without you. And we'd have no one to look up to. :)
no subject
Date: 2010-02-15 05:16 am (UTC)So yeah, went away for a bit. Got better, at the cost of missing a really cool chunk of the event.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-15 08:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-18 08:06 am (UTC)However, the rest of the event was fun. I didn't get bitched at for being an inconsiderate boob. Las Vegas was really good because we caught actual show and skipped the strip club this year. Given that the shows and the strippers cost roughly the same, I'm going to skip the strippers from now on.
Now to get back to Cowtown in one piece. We're hoping to get to Shelby, Montana tomorrow night, and from there we can get to Calgary just before the evening rush hour with a little foresight and luck.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-22 08:52 pm (UTC)Eventually all the friends that travel with you regularly will come to know and all you'll ever have to tell them is "I need to be alone" and they'll bug off - and let you find a quiet place to do what you need to do.
I do this - though typically the line is "I'm going to go somewhere quiet and play now." (I grab my flute and find the loneliest place on site and go ignore the world.) This far it's been a good strategy