Bureacracy Funnies

[jamesq]

I've had some interesting run-ins with bureaucrats in the last few days. Twice across the US/Canada border combined with health insurance and banking, it's enough to make this poor scientist despair.

I presented my passport to the customs guard on my way to Montana and he started asking the usual questions.

"Where do you live?"
"Calgary."
"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a computer scientist."
"Do you have a criminal record?"

Pauses for a second because I wasn't sure if I was parsing the question correctly - did he ask me a double negative?

"Nope."
"Are you sure - you looked like you were thinking about it there for a second"
"I do not have a criminal record."
"You've never been arrested for anything - spent a night in the drunk tank?"
"No."

At this point he seems to have accepted what I told him.

"What's your purpose in visiting the United States?"
"I'm going to a camping event in Shelby."
"Shelby? What kind of event is in Shelby?"
"Have you heard of the SCA?"
"No."
"It's a group for historical re-creationists - we're going to pretend it's the middle ages for the weekend."
"Does that mean you've got swords and stuff in your trunk?"
"No swords, but I've got target archery gear."

He asks me to pop the trunk to see it. Takes one look at the Chinese puzzle box that is my trunk with camping gear in it and decides he doesn't want to open that can of worms. He returns to his booth.

"One last question - what's 'huzzah'?"
"Huzzah? It's an old way of saying 'hurray'. Instead of saying 'hip hip hurray', we say 'hip hip huzzah'. Or you'd just say 'huzzah' whenever someone does something noteworthy."
"Have a good time in the United States, sir."

It wasn't so much that he was thorough (he could have tossed my car if he wanted to, but didn't) as he was perceptive. He caught a lot of little details that most people wouldn't have.

Conversely, when I came back to Canada, the customs agents were only interested in whether I was bringing back any booze or cigarettes. I could have had Hoffa in the trunk and they wouldn't have cared.

Today I got a call from an insurance company that I've had the misfortune of dealing with. It's because I actually believe in being truthful on forms that I've had to deal with these people. I'm wishing I could simply lie, but it's not in my nature to do that.

When I moved my mortgage to RBC, I opted to get insurance. Basically, if I get hit by a bus the insurance will pay the house off so my heirs won't have to. I view the whole thing as a luxury rather then a necessity for two reasons:

1. I have disability insurance through work, so if I can't work, it'll cover it (plus I would probably move to someplace with less staircases).
2. I really don't care what happens to my house after I die because I'll be dead.

The problems started when I filled out the form. It had a bunch of checkmarks for pre-existing conditions, usually in a long laundry-list like this:

In the last two-years have you ever had diabetes, high blood-pressure, Irish potato famine, rabies, Dutch Elm disease, lower-back pain, filthy filthy thoughts about your roommates. YES | NO.

A sign that you're getting old is that after a life-time of circling "NO", I had to circle "YES" (because when I broke my shoulder last year, I was diagnosed with high blood pressure). Naturally this caused them to follow up with even more questions, because we can't give insurance to anyone with Dutch Elm disease.

The first time they phoned they got up my nose by immediately asking me to confirm who I was.

"Could you tell me your date of birth and address?"
"No, because strangers asking me that over the phone trigger my Nigerian Scam Reflex."
"Um. OK. Would it be OK if we mailed you our questionnaire?"
"I guess you don't need my address that badly if you already have it. If mailing me a questionnaire floats your boat, go ahead and do it."

You're expecting me to take time out of my busy schedule to answer your questions. Don't make it sound like you're doing me any favours.

Anyway, I end up getting the form and I fill it out. It pretty much asks me a ton of questions about everything questionable that's happened over the last five years. This amounts to letting them know that:

• I've got a chronic back injury that I control with daily stretching/exercise.
• I broke my shoulder.
• I've got high blood pressure that I control by trying to keep my weight down.
• I suffer from Atypical Depression, which is currently under control.

I'll admit to being a bit of a dick filling out the form though - I filled it out as complete as I could, but I also crossed off a clause in the contract (I allow the insurance company to share this information with organizations in other countries. HELL NO).

They called me back today looking for even more information. I got fed up twice. Once when they asked for for specific examples of depression.

"You don't need to be specific, but can you tell me which of these you've had: Thoughts of suicide, panic attacks, social phobia or general anxiety?"
"Technically your question is contradictory - I can't be non-specific while simultaneously naming specific symptoms. More importantly, it's none of your business."
"So I should leave it blank or say 'doesn't know'?"
"You can do whatever you like, but I'm not going into details about my mental health with a total stranger over the phone."

The second time was in relation to blood pressure.

"Do you have access to blood pressure testing equipment?"
"I could stick my arm in the one at the pharmacy I guess."
"Great, could I get you to do that and then phone my voice mail and leave me the numbers?"
"No. I think you need to remember that I'm getting this insurance because my bank pressured me into it - I frankly don't care to do any more work to get it. If I get refused, I'm not going to shed a tear."
"So you want me to cancel the request for insurance?"
"Did I say that? No. I think you have more then enough information to determine that I'm healthier then most 42-year old men. If your company wants my money they can accept me. Or not. It's up to them. But I'm not rushing out to get my blood pressure checked just so you can fill in a box."

Jeebus - it's not like I might have had elevated blood pressure because I'm prone to anxiety attacks and I was getting prodded by a doctor trying to determine if I needed surgery.

So I might not get the insurance. I wish I could work up some concern over that. However, the echos of that conversation were in my head when I wandered over to RBC to transfer a stock certificate to my investing account. It is, sadly, one of those things you have to talk to an actual human being at the bank to do.

"You can fill out this transfer form or you can fill out the back of the stock certificate."
"Which is better?"
"Oh, it's up to you."
"Given that I'm not qualified to know the difference, which is better."
"Some people don't like writing on the certificate form itself."
"Fine, I'll fill out the form instead."

She gives me a form that has none of the information filled in.

"OK, just sign there."
"I'm not signing a blank form."
"They don't like us filling out the form."
"I'm not an expert in this, but I have transferred other stock before and I'm pretty sure they actually filled out the stock transfer form before. For one thing, there's nothing stopping you from putting your name on the transfer to portion of the form after I've walked out of this office."
"Let me call someone."

She does this and whoever is on the other end of the line walks her through filling out what turns out to be a very simple form. I'm not convinced that she did everything right, because it's getting clear that she didn't really know what she was doing, but I doubt it's going to wind up in her bank account now. Purgatory is a much more likely location if I don't see it in my account by the end of the week.

And now back to something comparatively simple - computers.

Comments

[rato-do-perigo.livejournal.com]

i did not know you are a scientist.

[jamesq]

It sounds cooler then "code monkey", even though that's probably a more accurate job description.

[rato-do-perigo.livejournal.com]

i like scientist. Do you wear a lab coat? :-)

[jamesq]

Only on request.

[garething.livejournal.com]

Oy!

[danceintheabyss.livejournal.com]

LMFAO, no wonder you have high blood pressure. Mother Theresa herself would have been lying on the floor twitching and drooling by this point. You have the patience of a frigging god.

[jamesq]

I was actually getting rather snarky, which is the only part I'm a little ashamed of. I made it clear to the phone interviewer that I wasn't angry at them I was angry at the messed up system.

[evilscientist.livejournal.com]

Hey, at least computers are deterministic state machines as opposed to banks which are at best stochastic systems...

[jamesq]

You're optimistic.

[evilscientist.livejournal.com]

About computers or banks?