My Take on Five Geek Social Fallacies
Jan. 13th, 2004 03:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jamesqThis article has been making the rounds. Go read it, there's going to be a quiz later.
The 5 GSFs has already been commented on by others and I'd been thinking about it for awhile now.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
wendy_licious spurred me on when she IM-ed it to me tonight. I have some points to make and here is as good a place as any.
GSF1 : Ostracizers Are Evil
The interesting thing about GSF1 is that is allows ostracizing as long as nobody has to come out and admit it. In other words, ostracizers are evil unless they go about it in a completely passive-aggressive manner.
This, I argue, is the worst of all possible worlds. You have to put up with shitty behavior when it shows up, but your not allowed to actually do anything about it.
I've been on the wrong side of this equation. The group I used to hang out with ostracized me in this manner. At no time did anyone come up to me and say "Your behavior is unacceptable - you must change it or your not going to be invited to group outings". Nope, the invitations just slowly stopped. It's been years since I've had any real contact with them, and on those occasions when I have seen them (my current group and the old group have a high intersection) they deny any sort of negative action on there part.
Did they have to put up with me? Of course not, but it would have been nice if someone had taken me aside and said something. At least then I would have had a chance to modify my behavior.
GSF2: Friends Accept Me As I Am
Is this a matter of being unable to accept any criticism from a friend? Or is it just that most people in geekdom don't know how to give criticism? Put yourself in the position of the person who is doing the criticizing - how do you do it? Do you bring it up in public? Do you joke about it? Maybe a little insult humor? (yeah, I'm guilty of this. I'm getting better, so sue me) Is it in any way discernable from criticism the target received as a social pariah in school?
Lets examine our potential target, cat-piss man, when he shows up, do you:
Let me cut off the coming objection right now: How they react is not important, only that you made the effort to do it properly matters. You can never change how someone reacts, but you can change how you do.
GSF3: Friendship Before All
This is only a problem if you expect it to be a two way street. I have no problem with someone deciding to blow off every other aspect of their life to be loyal to their friends. We're all grown ups and different people have different priorities.
GSF4: Friendship Is Transitive
I've changed to the point where I'll invite everyone I care to, but if some people don't show up, it's no big deal.
GSF5: Friends Do Everything Together
There are two sides to this. The merely inconvenient side is the need to invite everyone. As I point out above, you can get around this by not caring if they show up. Of course, if they do all show up, you'd better be prepared.
The other side is the belief that not being invited is a snub. As a recovering paranoid let me spell it out: If you don't get invited to a party, it was probably an oversight. If you don't get invited to anything for several years running - your being ostracized. Move on.
Your Feelings, Your Problem - The Counter Fallacy
I know a bunch of people with this attitude. It can be good in small doses but becomes pathological if taken to extremes.
In small doses, YFYP carriers may be the only ones who are honest with a person - sometimes brutally so. It becomes a problem when they care so little for your feelings that they don't care about hurting them.
What's worse is when you have a YFYP carrier with GSF2. You get a super-egotist who is blithely unconcerned with criticizing everyone around them, but seems entirely incapable of taking criticism from anyone else.
Conclusion
First, this isn't restricted to geeks.
Second, I've seen people use these fallacies to argue against their non-pathological good bits. This is a sort of a proselytizing version of YFYP. Arguing that, because you shouldn't have to put up with a cat-piss man, you shouldn't put up with any sort of negative personality traits whatsoever - and if you do your obviously a carrier of one of the Geek Social Fallacies. Or, more succinctly, they have the fallacy that normal polite behavior is equivalent to being a spineless wimp.
Third, this is a self-correcting problem. You either outgrow it (as I believe I have done), or your group collapses into a co-dependent pocket. Not terribly healthy, but not everybody can be.
All it takes to correct all of these social fallacies is communication. Ignoring (or waiting out) a problem never fixes it, but communication can. Geeks aren't the best at confrontation some will argue. I respond that communication doesn't have to be about confrontation.
The 5 GSFs has already been commented on by others and I'd been thinking about it for awhile now.
wendy_licious spurred me on when she IM-ed it to me tonight. I have some points to make and here is as good a place as any.GSF1 : Ostracizers Are Evil
The interesting thing about GSF1 is that is allows ostracizing as long as nobody has to come out and admit it. In other words, ostracizers are evil unless they go about it in a completely passive-aggressive manner.
This, I argue, is the worst of all possible worlds. You have to put up with shitty behavior when it shows up, but your not allowed to actually do anything about it.
I've been on the wrong side of this equation. The group I used to hang out with ostracized me in this manner. At no time did anyone come up to me and say "Your behavior is unacceptable - you must change it or your not going to be invited to group outings". Nope, the invitations just slowly stopped. It's been years since I've had any real contact with them, and on those occasions when I have seen them (my current group and the old group have a high intersection) they deny any sort of negative action on there part.
Did they have to put up with me? Of course not, but it would have been nice if someone had taken me aside and said something. At least then I would have had a chance to modify my behavior.
GSF2: Friends Accept Me As I Am
Is this a matter of being unable to accept any criticism from a friend? Or is it just that most people in geekdom don't know how to give criticism? Put yourself in the position of the person who is doing the criticizing - how do you do it? Do you bring it up in public? Do you joke about it? Maybe a little insult humor? (yeah, I'm guilty of this. I'm getting better, so sue me) Is it in any way discernable from criticism the target received as a social pariah in school?
Lets examine our potential target, cat-piss man, when he shows up, do you:
- Loudly say, for all to hear, "Christ - did you sleep on a pile of dog-shit?"
- Take the fellow aside and explain that, nothing personal, but he can't participate until his hygiene improves.
Let me cut off the coming objection right now: How they react is not important, only that you made the effort to do it properly matters. You can never change how someone reacts, but you can change how you do.
GSF3: Friendship Before All
This is only a problem if you expect it to be a two way street. I have no problem with someone deciding to blow off every other aspect of their life to be loyal to their friends. We're all grown ups and different people have different priorities.
GSF4: Friendship Is Transitive
"Wouldn't it be great to get all my groups of friends into one place for one big happy party?!"Guilty as charged. Having organized these sorts of parties in the past I've found that when they work it's great, and when they fail you're ready to gargle Drano.
If you groaned at that last paragraph, you may be a recovering GSF4 carrier.
I've changed to the point where I'll invite everyone I care to, but if some people don't show up, it's no big deal.
GSF5: Friends Do Everything Together
There are two sides to this. The merely inconvenient side is the need to invite everyone. As I point out above, you can get around this by not caring if they show up. Of course, if they do all show up, you'd better be prepared.
The other side is the belief that not being invited is a snub. As a recovering paranoid let me spell it out: If you don't get invited to a party, it was probably an oversight. If you don't get invited to anything for several years running - your being ostracized. Move on.
Your Feelings, Your Problem - The Counter Fallacy
I know a bunch of people with this attitude. It can be good in small doses but becomes pathological if taken to extremes.
In small doses, YFYP carriers may be the only ones who are honest with a person - sometimes brutally so. It becomes a problem when they care so little for your feelings that they don't care about hurting them.
What's worse is when you have a YFYP carrier with GSF2. You get a super-egotist who is blithely unconcerned with criticizing everyone around them, but seems entirely incapable of taking criticism from anyone else.
Conclusion
First, this isn't restricted to geeks.
Second, I've seen people use these fallacies to argue against their non-pathological good bits. This is a sort of a proselytizing version of YFYP. Arguing that, because you shouldn't have to put up with a cat-piss man, you shouldn't put up with any sort of negative personality traits whatsoever - and if you do your obviously a carrier of one of the Geek Social Fallacies. Or, more succinctly, they have the fallacy that normal polite behavior is equivalent to being a spineless wimp.
Third, this is a self-correcting problem. You either outgrow it (as I believe I have done), or your group collapses into a co-dependent pocket. Not terribly healthy, but not everybody can be.
All it takes to correct all of these social fallacies is communication. Ignoring (or waiting out) a problem never fixes it, but communication can. Geeks aren't the best at confrontation some will argue. I respond that communication doesn't have to be about confrontation.
