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jamesqSnopes has a thread regarding religious jokes, prompted by this article. Of course, the very first responce hit the nail on the head:
I thought I'd share some of the better ones with you here.
Why did all the girls like Jesus?
Because he was hung like this *extends arms*.
What's this? *covers eyes*
Jesus cheating at hide and seek.
Buddha goes to a hot dog vendor on the street and says "Make me one with everything!"
The Lord Buddha then pays for the $3 hotdog with a five-dollar bill. The vendor thanks him and returns to making hot dogs.
"Where is my $2?" Buddha asks.
"Change must come from within," the vendor replies.
Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?
Because someone will think they're dancing.
One day Jesus and Satan got into an argument over who was the better computer programmer. The argument went on and on, ad nauseum, and finally God got pissed off at both of them and set up a test to determine the answer once and for all.
So God set up two computers back-to-back in an office, assigned the rivals a programming problem, and gave them three hours to write the code.
So they worked and they worked, and toward the end of the six hours they were both close to finished, when there was a flash of lightning and a crash of thunder and the power went dead. A moment later, with just seven and a half minutes left on the deadline, the lights came back on and Jesus and Satan turned their computers back on to discover that the data they'd been working on was gone.
Satan, in a fit of frustration, roared, cursed, shoved his computer off the desk and set fire to his chair. Jesus, on the other hand, simply clicked his mouse a few times and all the lost data miraculously reappeared! He entered one last calculation and leaned back in satisfaction, his work complete.
"It's not fair!" The devil shouted, pounding his fist at the heavens. "How come my work disappeared and his didn't? This is cheating, this is blatant favoritism, this is an outrage!"
"It's really very simple," came a calm voice from on high. "Jesus saves."
Supposedly when Mark Twain visited the Middle East a boat wanted $8 to cross the Sea of Galilee.
"$8!!" Twain exclaimed. "No wonder Christ walked."
Once there was a dying priest. For his last request he asked the town lawyer and the town tax collector to come see him. When they did, he asked them to stand on each side of his bed. Then he lay back and smiled. After a few seconds, the two men were puzzled. One of them asked the priest why he asked for them. The priest replied, "I've always wanted to die like Christ. Between two thieves."
Three men are sitting around, discussing their families. One is a Baptist, one is a Catholic, and one is a Mormon.
The Baptist says, "I've got four kids. One more, and I've got my own basketball team."
"That's nothing," says the Catholic. "I've got ten kids. One more and I've got my own football team."
All eyes turn to the Mormon. He says, "I've 17 wives. One more and I've got my own golf course."
Two men were sitting around one day, and the conversation came to the topic of old books. One man told the other, "I came across a Gutenberg Bible in my attic the other day, and although it was is superb condition, I had to throw it away."
"Throw it away?" The other man said. "Why, that would have been worth thousands upon thousands of dollars!"
"No," said the first man, "it was worthless. Some clown named Martin Luther had written all over it."
On night,an old priest with wavering health is visited by Satan during the night;
"Abandon your faith!If you worship me instead,I will give you all the money you want!"
"Never!" The priest reponded "The people of the village gives all the money the church needs!"
Satan curses and disappears in a puff of smoke.The next night he appears once again in front of the priest.
"Give up your faith!" Satan said, "If you do I will restore your health and make you immune to all diseases!"
"Never!" the priest responded "The Sisters gives me all the care I need"
The devil curses and disappears in a puff of smoke.The next night he appears once more before the priest.
"Abandon your faith!" Satan said "If you do I will give you all the women you could ever desire!"
"Never!" the priest reponded "The altar boys gives me..."
A group of ministers were travelling together in a car when they wrecked and all were killed.
When they came up to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said to the Roman Catholic priest: "In spite of all your service, I cannot let you in, because you were too fond of the intamate company of women."
To the Assemblies of God minister he said, "I cannot let you in, for you were too fond of dancing."
To the Baptist preacher he said, "I cannot let you in, because you were too fond of Martinis."
The last clergyman hung back. St. Peter said, "Why haven't you tried to enter."
"St. Peter," he replied,"I have done ALL those things."
"In which church did you serve?"
"I was an Anglican."
"Come on in."
Reuben met with three of his rabbi colleagues every Sunday to argue philosophy. Inevitably, young Reuben would lose every debate. One day when he was convinced that his argument was right and the other rabbis were wrong, he turned his eyes to heaven and cried, "Lord! I know that I am right and they are wrong. Give us a sign!" Immediately, dark clouds formed and covered the sky. The other rabbis stroked their beards and said that didn't prove anything. So again Reuben appealed, "Lord! They are still not convinced! Another sign, please!" And a bolt of lightening cracked from heaven and split a nearby tree. The other rabbis were still skeptical. Reuben cried, "Lord! One more! Something to show them that I am right!" And a deep voice boomed across the land: "HE... IS... RIGHT!" The other rabbis looked at each other and nodded. Then one said to Reuben, "Okay, so now it's two against three!"
Q. What's this? (hold your arms out straight)
A. A crappy way to spend Easter.
Q. What are the 3 most dangerous jobs in Newfoundland?
A. Policeman, fireman and alter boy.
Q. Did you hear about Robbie Kneival's latest, most dangerous stunt?
A. He's going to ride across Newfoundland dressed as an alter boy.
Because there are few things consistently funnier than pretension and/or hypocrisy lampooned?Since the discussion was immediately over, everyone decided to share their favorite jokes.
I thought I'd share some of the better ones with you here.
Why did all the girls like Jesus?
Because he was hung like this *extends arms*.
What's this? *covers eyes*
Jesus cheating at hide and seek.
Buddha goes to a hot dog vendor on the street and says "Make me one with everything!"
The Lord Buddha then pays for the $3 hotdog with a five-dollar bill. The vendor thanks him and returns to making hot dogs.
"Where is my $2?" Buddha asks.
"Change must come from within," the vendor replies.
Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?
Because someone will think they're dancing.
One day Jesus and Satan got into an argument over who was the better computer programmer. The argument went on and on, ad nauseum, and finally God got pissed off at both of them and set up a test to determine the answer once and for all.
So God set up two computers back-to-back in an office, assigned the rivals a programming problem, and gave them three hours to write the code.
So they worked and they worked, and toward the end of the six hours they were both close to finished, when there was a flash of lightning and a crash of thunder and the power went dead. A moment later, with just seven and a half minutes left on the deadline, the lights came back on and Jesus and Satan turned their computers back on to discover that the data they'd been working on was gone.
Satan, in a fit of frustration, roared, cursed, shoved his computer off the desk and set fire to his chair. Jesus, on the other hand, simply clicked his mouse a few times and all the lost data miraculously reappeared! He entered one last calculation and leaned back in satisfaction, his work complete.
"It's not fair!" The devil shouted, pounding his fist at the heavens. "How come my work disappeared and his didn't? This is cheating, this is blatant favoritism, this is an outrage!"
"It's really very simple," came a calm voice from on high. "Jesus saves."
Supposedly when Mark Twain visited the Middle East a boat wanted $8 to cross the Sea of Galilee.
"$8!!" Twain exclaimed. "No wonder Christ walked."
Once there was a dying priest. For his last request he asked the town lawyer and the town tax collector to come see him. When they did, he asked them to stand on each side of his bed. Then he lay back and smiled. After a few seconds, the two men were puzzled. One of them asked the priest why he asked for them. The priest replied, "I've always wanted to die like Christ. Between two thieves."
Three men are sitting around, discussing their families. One is a Baptist, one is a Catholic, and one is a Mormon.
The Baptist says, "I've got four kids. One more, and I've got my own basketball team."
"That's nothing," says the Catholic. "I've got ten kids. One more and I've got my own football team."
All eyes turn to the Mormon. He says, "I've 17 wives. One more and I've got my own golf course."
Two men were sitting around one day, and the conversation came to the topic of old books. One man told the other, "I came across a Gutenberg Bible in my attic the other day, and although it was is superb condition, I had to throw it away."
"Throw it away?" The other man said. "Why, that would have been worth thousands upon thousands of dollars!"
"No," said the first man, "it was worthless. Some clown named Martin Luther had written all over it."
On night,an old priest with wavering health is visited by Satan during the night;
"Abandon your faith!If you worship me instead,I will give you all the money you want!"
"Never!" The priest reponded "The people of the village gives all the money the church needs!"
Satan curses and disappears in a puff of smoke.The next night he appears once again in front of the priest.
"Give up your faith!" Satan said, "If you do I will restore your health and make you immune to all diseases!"
"Never!" the priest responded "The Sisters gives me all the care I need"
The devil curses and disappears in a puff of smoke.The next night he appears once more before the priest.
"Abandon your faith!" Satan said "If you do I will give you all the women you could ever desire!"
"Never!" the priest reponded "The altar boys gives me..."
A group of ministers were travelling together in a car when they wrecked and all were killed.
When they came up to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said to the Roman Catholic priest: "In spite of all your service, I cannot let you in, because you were too fond of the intamate company of women."
To the Assemblies of God minister he said, "I cannot let you in, for you were too fond of dancing."
To the Baptist preacher he said, "I cannot let you in, because you were too fond of Martinis."
The last clergyman hung back. St. Peter said, "Why haven't you tried to enter."
"St. Peter," he replied,"I have done ALL those things."
"In which church did you serve?"
"I was an Anglican."
"Come on in."
Reuben met with three of his rabbi colleagues every Sunday to argue philosophy. Inevitably, young Reuben would lose every debate. One day when he was convinced that his argument was right and the other rabbis were wrong, he turned his eyes to heaven and cried, "Lord! I know that I am right and they are wrong. Give us a sign!" Immediately, dark clouds formed and covered the sky. The other rabbis stroked their beards and said that didn't prove anything. So again Reuben appealed, "Lord! They are still not convinced! Another sign, please!" And a bolt of lightening cracked from heaven and split a nearby tree. The other rabbis were still skeptical. Reuben cried, "Lord! One more! Something to show them that I am right!" And a deep voice boomed across the land: "HE... IS... RIGHT!" The other rabbis looked at each other and nodded. Then one said to Reuben, "Okay, so now it's two against three!"
Q. What's this? (hold your arms out straight)
A. A crappy way to spend Easter.
Q. What are the 3 most dangerous jobs in Newfoundland?
A. Policeman, fireman and alter boy.
Q. Did you hear about Robbie Kneival's latest, most dangerous stunt?
A. He's going to ride across Newfoundland dressed as an alter boy.
