You Can't Pick Your Family - Dammit

[jamesq]

A conversation with my sister:

"So, are you all set for camping on June 4th?"

"What are you talking about", I ask.

"Didn't anyone tell you, we've been planning it for 2 and a half months."

"Planning what?"

"The family is camping at Mount Kidd that weekend and that's when we're scattering Mom and Dad's ashes."

"No. Nobody told me anything. I wish someone had told me because I'm going to be in Vancouver that weekend. See if you can change the weekend because I already have my flight booked"

A few days later she calls me back:

"I called Mount Kidd and they said that they are booked solid for the rest of the camping season so we can't change the weekend", She tells me.

"Let me get this straight - You and Bill set the date for what is essentially the last part of my parent's funeral, and you forget to tell me for two and a half months. In the intervening time, I have booked off my vacation, booked my flight and told all my friends in Vancouver about my plans. So essentially, you're the one who's fucked up, but I'm the one who gets punished for it - is that about right."

[silence]

"My flight back is Saturday night, so hold off the scattering until Sunday. I'll find some way out there for the day. Just be glad I didn't book a Sunday flight back."

I've since talked to garething and hadriel, both of whom have graciously offered to drive me out to Kananaskis for the day.

But still, who the fuck forgets something like that?

Comments

You can pick your friends...

[nikitaa.livejournal.com]

You can pick your friends... but you can't pick your family.

I can really sympathize with you. It's the type of thing that my Mother would pull. She also plays "knowledge-power broker games"; for example, last fall she "forgot" to tell me that my Uncle had been diagnosed with terminal Cancer. You see, it was the day that I had been picked up by the Police on a "Jail 'n Bail". I had called her in the morning, and after I had spoken with her had left messages with ALL of my relatives, including my Uncle's immediate family. Later that evening she called to say "I certainly HOPE you did not call Ray's family... and then told me that he had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. What really bothered me was the fact that she KNEW about it earlier that day, and deliberately made a choice to NOT tell me. She power brokers knowledge - gives her a feeling of superiority, but have long since seen it as small and petty. (Needless to say, I felt pretty bad when I found out that I had inadvertantly called and left messages for EVERYONE near and dear to my Uncle about ponying up for the Cancer society - especially given the timing.)

It sounds to me that your sister tries to pull the same sort of shit with you. All you can do is recognize that it is NOT about you - it is about her own insecurities, and need to pull a power-play. It doesn't make it any easier, but while you can change yourself, at some point you have to acknowledge that you can't change the rest of the world. Trust me - I've tried.

Take care of yourself - and kudos on standing up to her and calling her on it.

It sucks... but try to move on.

[nosarious.livejournal.com]

I have a mantra I have been trying to follow for the past decade or so, but don't always have the will or ability to do so:

"Try to worry only about those things you have control over, and just 'go with the flow' for those things you don't..."

If you get too upset over the timing and planning of this entire event, you will miss out on what may be the only real chance to get some closure with your parents, and it's not their fault. As to who forgets a thing like this, there was probably a lot of assumptions made by both your siblings as to who was going to talk to you about it. I doubt if they did it on purpose.

I wish I could be there. I remember your folks through little snippets of conversation and vignettes every once in a while, (even if some of the memories are only of them playing Dr. Mario or whatever that friggin pill game was. Your Mom was pretty good at it, as I recall)

I wish I could be there, but it's a family thing...