On The Perpetual Lateness of "Friends"
Nov. 11th, 2014 09:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jamesqToday, I want to rant a bit. First, go read this - it was what triggered the rant.
My old circle of friends had one of these guys - let's call him "Ed". He was perpetually late for all planned events. It was inevitable and he never apologized or changed. And people would just make excuses for him, and wait for him, for hours, over and over again. He wasn't quite alone in this behaviour (the circle was called Grey Mountain, and we called this overall behaviour Grey Mountain Standard Time), but he was the worst for it.
Aside: Like the article says, there's a big difference from the out-of-your-hands lateness that we're all victim of from time to time. This is about chronic lateness without excuse. Don't think I'm talking about you if you've been late now and then. I'm sympathetic about stuff like that - it happens to us all. No, this is about lateness as a sign of inconsideration.
Funny thing was, if the timing of something was out of our hands - the start time of a movie say - Ed would be there. And as far as I know, he was employed or in school for the entire time I've known him, so he could clearly get to work/school in a timely fashion. Apparently the only thing he felt he didn't have to be on time for was... us.
When I realized that, I stopped putting up with it. Sadly at the time, my ability to not put up with it was limited to urging the folks around me to simply move on without him. Going to Banff? We've been waiting two hours for Ed, let's just go. "Oh, we can't," they'd say, "Ed said he was coming". Yeah, and I bet if he gets here and finds out we've left without him, he'll make a point of being here on time for the next trip. Unfortunately, I didn't drive then, so I couldn't do anything but grind my teeth.
How bad was it? I sometimes thought he did it deliberately to "test" how well he was thought of.
This was an early lesson in how to spot the people around you who don't actually respect you. And if they don't respect you, but call you "friend", they're no such thing. Think of it as one of the early warning signs.
My old circle of friends had one of these guys - let's call him "Ed". He was perpetually late for all planned events. It was inevitable and he never apologized or changed. And people would just make excuses for him, and wait for him, for hours, over and over again. He wasn't quite alone in this behaviour (the circle was called Grey Mountain, and we called this overall behaviour Grey Mountain Standard Time), but he was the worst for it.
Aside: Like the article says, there's a big difference from the out-of-your-hands lateness that we're all victim of from time to time. This is about chronic lateness without excuse. Don't think I'm talking about you if you've been late now and then. I'm sympathetic about stuff like that - it happens to us all. No, this is about lateness as a sign of inconsideration.
Funny thing was, if the timing of something was out of our hands - the start time of a movie say - Ed would be there. And as far as I know, he was employed or in school for the entire time I've known him, so he could clearly get to work/school in a timely fashion. Apparently the only thing he felt he didn't have to be on time for was... us.
When I realized that, I stopped putting up with it. Sadly at the time, my ability to not put up with it was limited to urging the folks around me to simply move on without him. Going to Banff? We've been waiting two hours for Ed, let's just go. "Oh, we can't," they'd say, "Ed said he was coming". Yeah, and I bet if he gets here and finds out we've left without him, he'll make a point of being here on time for the next trip. Unfortunately, I didn't drive then, so I couldn't do anything but grind my teeth.
How bad was it? I sometimes thought he did it deliberately to "test" how well he was thought of.
This was an early lesson in how to spot the people around you who don't actually respect you. And if they don't respect you, but call you "friend", they're no such thing. Think of it as one of the early warning signs.
I know an "Ed!"
Date: 2014-11-11 05:15 pm (UTC)I don't socialize with him any more. I wish I had realized at the time how anxious and unhappy his lateness was making me. Thankfully our friends (which were his friends) had been putting up with his chronic lateness for years and didn't blame me.
I even tried telling him something was an hour earlier than it actually was. It kind of worked... 2 hours late instead of 3...
Re: I know an "Ed!"
Date: 2014-11-11 07:27 pm (UTC)1) It rarely works, for the reasons you site.
2) I hate lying.
In the end, they're grown-ups, we shouldn't have to engage in these bullshit tactics to get them to simulate being grown-up.