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Depression and COVID-19
May. 1st, 2020 09:23 pmI really just want a hug. Or a good hard fuck followed by a long cuddle. Or a cuddle, sans fucking. I'm not likely to get any of those in the short term, or even the medium term. I figure we've got until next spring, despite assorted people and governments wanting to get back to normal as quickly as possible. Of course, microorganisms do not give a shit about our feelings, so we're in this until there's a vaccine. Man, I hope a vaccine is possible.
I don't have a lot of non-harmful pleasures in this world, but spending quality time with my friends is the most important. I miss spending time with my friends, both the ones here and the ones in Vancouver. Video-conferencing is good, but it's just not the same.
Mostly I hate that this is removing the last of my illusions. The faint hope that I might meet that special someone. I mean, I know that wasn't going to happen even if things were "normal", but like with the lottery, it gave my last vestige of hope something to grasp for. I can think of about two women in my circle who I'm interested in that are single. Sadly, the Venn diagram of that set and "women interested in me" does not intersect.
No, my life has devolved into work, food, exercise, drinking, sleeping. A sort of monk-like existence without the comfort of the Almighty. I mean, at least I have a job, but it's so abstract. I wake up, code for eight hours, destress. The days blend into each other and the only company I have is with my roommate.
You know what I do to occupy my time during normal times, and I can't visit my friends? I go to movies, take long bike-rides, and sample flights at local craft breweries. I guess one out of three isn't bad.
The whole thing is strangely tedious and exhausting at the same time. I guess all y'all know that though. And I sympathize with people who are climbing the walls now. Not the ones who want others to sacrifice the health of others so they can get a haircut, because fuck those people. But the ones who are just fucking lonely. Loneliness is something I'm well acquainted with and it sucks, and I'm not sure how much I can take of it. Like, six months? I guess. A year? Maybe, if I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. More than that? If my existence is unending grey, then why should I bother?
We're less than two months into this, so I promise I'm not there yet, but I know myself, and that's always in the back of my mind. Nothing I can do about it except engage some CBT tools, but I don't have the strength to do that forever.
I'm well aware that people have it worse than me. But this is my blog and my feelings. I'm drinking too much, and my plans for fitness plans have gone from "lose weight" to "maybe don't gain weight" to "maybe don't gain too much weight". I'll know I'm bad when I hit "fuck it, weight loss doesn't matter". Not there yet.
I really just want a hug.
I don't have a lot of non-harmful pleasures in this world, but spending quality time with my friends is the most important. I miss spending time with my friends, both the ones here and the ones in Vancouver. Video-conferencing is good, but it's just not the same.
Mostly I hate that this is removing the last of my illusions. The faint hope that I might meet that special someone. I mean, I know that wasn't going to happen even if things were "normal", but like with the lottery, it gave my last vestige of hope something to grasp for. I can think of about two women in my circle who I'm interested in that are single. Sadly, the Venn diagram of that set and "women interested in me" does not intersect.
No, my life has devolved into work, food, exercise, drinking, sleeping. A sort of monk-like existence without the comfort of the Almighty. I mean, at least I have a job, but it's so abstract. I wake up, code for eight hours, destress. The days blend into each other and the only company I have is with my roommate.
You know what I do to occupy my time during normal times, and I can't visit my friends? I go to movies, take long bike-rides, and sample flights at local craft breweries. I guess one out of three isn't bad.
The whole thing is strangely tedious and exhausting at the same time. I guess all y'all know that though. And I sympathize with people who are climbing the walls now. Not the ones who want others to sacrifice the health of others so they can get a haircut, because fuck those people. But the ones who are just fucking lonely. Loneliness is something I'm well acquainted with and it sucks, and I'm not sure how much I can take of it. Like, six months? I guess. A year? Maybe, if I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. More than that? If my existence is unending grey, then why should I bother?
We're less than two months into this, so I promise I'm not there yet, but I know myself, and that's always in the back of my mind. Nothing I can do about it except engage some CBT tools, but I don't have the strength to do that forever.
I'm well aware that people have it worse than me. But this is my blog and my feelings. I'm drinking too much, and my plans for fitness plans have gone from "lose weight" to "maybe don't gain weight" to "maybe don't gain too much weight". I'll know I'm bad when I hit "fuck it, weight loss doesn't matter". Not there yet.
I really just want a hug.
