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So a lot of little things have been happening that have put my normal background loneliness into high contrast. I recently went on a trip, and as sometimes happens, I didn't get much visiting in. Six nights/seven days, and I only saw people on two of those days. I did manage to keep myself occupied, so I was never bored.
Lots of things contributed to this, including perfectly normal amounts of adults having busy lives. Still, I worry that I go out there too often, so people don't feel they have to see me, because, hey, he'll be out again in a few months. I've seriously thought about not going for a year, just so there would be a little more enthusiasm, but I don't want to stay away.
I've also spent the last summer basically bike riding every weekend just to give myself something to do that isn't reading blogs and watching Netflix. So many solo movies and solo plays and solo dinners at restaurants. I have so many new experiences all the time, and none of them really mean much with no one to share them with.
Today I went to see a play, and for assorted reasons I knew that the seat next to mine was another solo person. It ended up being this sweet looking woman who I imagine was near my age. I ended up inventing a back story for why we could be together in the two hours I sat next to her. Of course, I never bothered her because why should I make her deal with my weird projections. Still, it would have been nice to go to the play with someone. Sorry Miss A5, I'm sure you've got a real story completely unlike the one I made up for you.
I've been dissatisfied with my job of late, and with my home. I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of deciding to sell the house, and I've done sweet fuck all to accomplish that goal. And I remember two of my (married to each other) best friends and how they decided to move to Vancouver, and they just did it. And I'm sure if they were single, making and implementing that decision would have been a lot harder. The big lifts are just easier with a partner. I'm sure if I was married, this stuff would be a lot less anxiety producing. You have each other's backs, right? I get that marriage requires sacrifice, but it's a sacrifice towards a better life, right?
Add to this the fact that we are well into Interesting TImes, and they likely won't abate until after I'm dead. Not looking forward to any of that. Me and a partner could weather that better, I hope.
I wish I was the sort of person other people thought of when they think marriage material. Clearly they don't, otherwise I'd have been married long ago. I know a handful of single, age-appropriate, women I could imagine spending a life with; not a single one of them would think the same thing about me. I am deeply broken in ways that everyone can see, and I can't begin to identify.
I am so tired. I just want to be able to stop for a bit to catch my breath, recharge my batteries, and otherwise get my second wind so I can cope with my reality, the way I do when I'm at my best.
Lots of things contributed to this, including perfectly normal amounts of adults having busy lives. Still, I worry that I go out there too often, so people don't feel they have to see me, because, hey, he'll be out again in a few months. I've seriously thought about not going for a year, just so there would be a little more enthusiasm, but I don't want to stay away.
I've also spent the last summer basically bike riding every weekend just to give myself something to do that isn't reading blogs and watching Netflix. So many solo movies and solo plays and solo dinners at restaurants. I have so many new experiences all the time, and none of them really mean much with no one to share them with.
Today I went to see a play, and for assorted reasons I knew that the seat next to mine was another solo person. It ended up being this sweet looking woman who I imagine was near my age. I ended up inventing a back story for why we could be together in the two hours I sat next to her. Of course, I never bothered her because why should I make her deal with my weird projections. Still, it would have been nice to go to the play with someone. Sorry Miss A5, I'm sure you've got a real story completely unlike the one I made up for you.
I've been dissatisfied with my job of late, and with my home. I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of deciding to sell the house, and I've done sweet fuck all to accomplish that goal. And I remember two of my (married to each other) best friends and how they decided to move to Vancouver, and they just did it. And I'm sure if they were single, making and implementing that decision would have been a lot harder. The big lifts are just easier with a partner. I'm sure if I was married, this stuff would be a lot less anxiety producing. You have each other's backs, right? I get that marriage requires sacrifice, but it's a sacrifice towards a better life, right?
Add to this the fact that we are well into Interesting TImes, and they likely won't abate until after I'm dead. Not looking forward to any of that. Me and a partner could weather that better, I hope.
I wish I was the sort of person other people thought of when they think marriage material. Clearly they don't, otherwise I'd have been married long ago. I know a handful of single, age-appropriate, women I could imagine spending a life with; not a single one of them would think the same thing about me. I am deeply broken in ways that everyone can see, and I can't begin to identify.
I am so tired. I just want to be able to stop for a bit to catch my breath, recharge my batteries, and otherwise get my second wind so I can cope with my reality, the way I do when I'm at my best.
