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Camp or Bail? That is the Question
May. 30th, 2018 06:20 pmSCA coronation is this weekend. I'm thinking about going. I'm also thinking about not going, and therein is the dilemma.
The event is sufficiently far from Calgary that if I go, I'm committed to going for the whole weekend. I could potentially bail on Saturday, but it would realistically need to be before 5pm for me to make it home before midnight. Even then, I'm reluctant to do a six hour drive that late in the day - it seems like a recipe for dying in my sleep like Grandpa.
What's driving this is loneliness. with the exception of the occasional outing with close friends, the last few weekends have been about me finding distractions from being alone. While I'm largely tolerated or ignored in the SCA, there are a few people who enjoy my company and I could hang out with them. Plus, I could do some shooting, and basically be a spectator at the other activities. It would just be for the day since I'd get in late on Friday and leave early on Sunday. That's a short enough time I could just buy a pizza and throw it into a cooler and have my meals dealt with. A couple bottles of beer and a book and I could just treat it as mundane camping.
The downside is that anxiety could screw me. I don't get as many depressive incidents as I used to, but the one a few years ago in London was bad enough that it still haunts me. It was especially bad because I felt trapped. Having an escape plan for something potentially triggering is one of my ways of coping, and being trapped at an event combines the negative aspects of both of those things.
Another downside is that I'll have to deal with some people and situations I'd rather not deal with. Mostly this will be "where have you been" questions with varying degrees of sincerity. Oh, and archery shenanigans, but since my marshal card lapsed last summer, and the OGGS doesn't like me, it means I'm just some guy with a bow. I like shooting. Shooting without drama would be even better.
But I've had a good time at plenty of events. It would be nice to shoot with no pressure (the kingdom Archery championship is on, but I won't vie for it), and a former friend I'm still fond of is getting elevated, so that would be cool to watch. Not enjoying myself should never be the plan.
And if I don't go? Well, I'll second guess myself about that decision - that's always fun. And I'll be lonely and bored all weekend. Again. But those are known evils.
I'm leaning toward going. If I do, I'll take Friday off and pack the car that morning, leave around noon and get there around supper time. As for being trapped, I found out Wainwright has motels and a movie theatre, so I can spend Saturday night there if things turn awful.
This could answer my internal question of if I'm in the SCA anymore. And to be clear, I could end up enjoying myself and still decide I'm out. Having a good time is not the key issue here. As my friend M put it, there was no longer an M-shaped hole in the SCA for them, and so they were done. If there's no James-shaped hole, I'll be done.
The event is sufficiently far from Calgary that if I go, I'm committed to going for the whole weekend. I could potentially bail on Saturday, but it would realistically need to be before 5pm for me to make it home before midnight. Even then, I'm reluctant to do a six hour drive that late in the day - it seems like a recipe for dying in my sleep like Grandpa.
What's driving this is loneliness. with the exception of the occasional outing with close friends, the last few weekends have been about me finding distractions from being alone. While I'm largely tolerated or ignored in the SCA, there are a few people who enjoy my company and I could hang out with them. Plus, I could do some shooting, and basically be a spectator at the other activities. It would just be for the day since I'd get in late on Friday and leave early on Sunday. That's a short enough time I could just buy a pizza and throw it into a cooler and have my meals dealt with. A couple bottles of beer and a book and I could just treat it as mundane camping.
The downside is that anxiety could screw me. I don't get as many depressive incidents as I used to, but the one a few years ago in London was bad enough that it still haunts me. It was especially bad because I felt trapped. Having an escape plan for something potentially triggering is one of my ways of coping, and being trapped at an event combines the negative aspects of both of those things.
Another downside is that I'll have to deal with some people and situations I'd rather not deal with. Mostly this will be "where have you been" questions with varying degrees of sincerity. Oh, and archery shenanigans, but since my marshal card lapsed last summer, and the OGGS doesn't like me, it means I'm just some guy with a bow. I like shooting. Shooting without drama would be even better.
But I've had a good time at plenty of events. It would be nice to shoot with no pressure (the kingdom Archery championship is on, but I won't vie for it), and a former friend I'm still fond of is getting elevated, so that would be cool to watch. Not enjoying myself should never be the plan.
And if I don't go? Well, I'll second guess myself about that decision - that's always fun. And I'll be lonely and bored all weekend. Again. But those are known evils.
I'm leaning toward going. If I do, I'll take Friday off and pack the car that morning, leave around noon and get there around supper time. As for being trapped, I found out Wainwright has motels and a movie theatre, so I can spend Saturday night there if things turn awful.
This could answer my internal question of if I'm in the SCA anymore. And to be clear, I could end up enjoying myself and still decide I'm out. Having a good time is not the key issue here. As my friend M put it, there was no longer an M-shaped hole in the SCA for them, and so they were done. If there's no James-shaped hole, I'll be done.
