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Travel Anxiety
Feb. 7th, 2018 08:11 pmI'm about 90% certain I'm not going to Japan, at least this year. As the dates got closer, the anxiety just ramped up and up, to the point where I kept putting off the actual booking of flights/hotel. And now it's close enough (I needed to do this for the last two weeks of March) that the hotel costs have skyrocketed.
Of course, the costs weren't the issue - the anxiety was. I might be able to say "well, it got too expensive, so I opted out", but really, it was my jerk brain.
The problem is, I don't want to be alone for a trip of that magnitude. If someone was going with me, then everything else could go wrong, but I'd be with someone, so none of that would matter. As it is, even if everything went right, there's still a better than even chance of me having a depressive incident, and I just don't want to be in a foreign country, that speaks a language I'm entirely unfamiliar with, with no spoons, dealing with what a loser I am. I can't do it.
My recent trip to London put this into stark relief - every time I've gone to the UK, I've been with someone. I wasn't necessarily traveling with them, but I had company. Brian for the first trip, and Rosie for the latter two. I was also on escorted tours for two of them, so I still had company, albeit strangers. I had a great time in London, and that was due in no small part to being with one of my best friends. I'm familiar enough with London now, that that's no longer a requirement - I could amuse myself for a week there with no problems, and I'm likely to go back in a few years. But Tokyo is too big a bite.
Could I have realistically done it? Of course. I can afford it, and most of my vacations have been solo. Still, the loneliest place on Earth is a foreign hotel room. I know that. I've experienced it enough to know my jerk brain will latch on it.
So that's where I've been mentally for the last two months. On one hand, trying to work up the nerve to do it, while knowing that if I don't, I'll beat myself up over my cowardice. Here I am, beating myself up. But ultimately, I think the dangers outweighs the benefits.
Which leads me to part two: I now have 8 days of vacation to use up next month. I've written about this before, the problem remains the same - all of the places on my bucket list are either too far away, or are currently in the middle of winter. Toronto? Halifax? Montreal? I'd love to see them all, just not in February or March. I'm not fond of sun destinations if I'm by myself. I get bored of sitting in the sun in less than an hour, so a week is right out. My two all-inclusive jaunts were both part of large wedding parties. That pretty much leaves the States.
Normally, I'd be OK with going to the States. But things have been getting a wee to... fascistic... of late. I might still do it, since I haven't been to any of the west coast cities in a few years.
And of course, there's always Vancouver. My jerk brain worries that I shouldn't go to the Vancouver well too often, lest people get tired of me. Stupid jerk brain.
I'm not sure where I'm going, but it's probably not going to be Japan for the foreseeable future. Which is too bad, I'd love to go, just without the crippling social anxiety and loneliness.
Of course, the costs weren't the issue - the anxiety was. I might be able to say "well, it got too expensive, so I opted out", but really, it was my jerk brain.
The problem is, I don't want to be alone for a trip of that magnitude. If someone was going with me, then everything else could go wrong, but I'd be with someone, so none of that would matter. As it is, even if everything went right, there's still a better than even chance of me having a depressive incident, and I just don't want to be in a foreign country, that speaks a language I'm entirely unfamiliar with, with no spoons, dealing with what a loser I am. I can't do it.
My recent trip to London put this into stark relief - every time I've gone to the UK, I've been with someone. I wasn't necessarily traveling with them, but I had company. Brian for the first trip, and Rosie for the latter two. I was also on escorted tours for two of them, so I still had company, albeit strangers. I had a great time in London, and that was due in no small part to being with one of my best friends. I'm familiar enough with London now, that that's no longer a requirement - I could amuse myself for a week there with no problems, and I'm likely to go back in a few years. But Tokyo is too big a bite.
Could I have realistically done it? Of course. I can afford it, and most of my vacations have been solo. Still, the loneliest place on Earth is a foreign hotel room. I know that. I've experienced it enough to know my jerk brain will latch on it.
So that's where I've been mentally for the last two months. On one hand, trying to work up the nerve to do it, while knowing that if I don't, I'll beat myself up over my cowardice. Here I am, beating myself up. But ultimately, I think the dangers outweighs the benefits.
Which leads me to part two: I now have 8 days of vacation to use up next month. I've written about this before, the problem remains the same - all of the places on my bucket list are either too far away, or are currently in the middle of winter. Toronto? Halifax? Montreal? I'd love to see them all, just not in February or March. I'm not fond of sun destinations if I'm by myself. I get bored of sitting in the sun in less than an hour, so a week is right out. My two all-inclusive jaunts were both part of large wedding parties. That pretty much leaves the States.
Normally, I'd be OK with going to the States. But things have been getting a wee to... fascistic... of late. I might still do it, since I haven't been to any of the west coast cities in a few years.
And of course, there's always Vancouver. My jerk brain worries that I shouldn't go to the Vancouver well too often, lest people get tired of me. Stupid jerk brain.
I'm not sure where I'm going, but it's probably not going to be Japan for the foreseeable future. Which is too bad, I'd love to go, just without the crippling social anxiety and loneliness.
