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12th Night 2016
Jan. 24th, 2016 08:38 pmI did not have a good event. That's not to say that it wasn't a good event - it certainly seemed to have achieved all of it's goals with lots of people enjoying themselves. No, this was my usual mental issues.
( My usual emo BS, you can safely skip this... )
So I keep having a bad time going to SCA events. What exactly is the problem here?
Well, it's not really the SCA per se. Well, one aspect of it is, but it's a minor thing. I've described it before and call it SCA Exclusivity.
Basically, as a society, we like a level of boasting and recognition that is over-the-top when compared to real world. Whenever someone is elevated or committing to a relationship in the SCA, we sing that person's praises long and loud. This person isn't just good, they're the greatest person ever.
There's nothing wrong with that. I think the real world could do with more of it, but it's generally unheard of outside of wedding speeches. Still, Valentine's day sucks if you're single, Mother's day sucks if your mother is dead, and hearing someone speechify about how this person is the best person ever when you know they're really not, and people never talk about you that way, except when they want something, sucks. I'm happy for these other people, but it always underlines that I'll never be good enough. (To clarify, I mean not good enough for the SCA. I'm plenty good enough as a person.)
Funny thing is, SCA exclusivity is not unique to me. I've described this often enough in other posts, here and on Facebook, that I know of a lot of people who've noticed the same thing. My curse of being alone in a crowd is not solely mine.
The next problem is that SCA events (especially very full day events like 12th Night) are so busy, with so many people. As an introvert, that's a very draining prospect. I much prefer seeing a few people in a deeper, more meaningful sense. An evening at a pub with a handful of friends will always be more enjoyable than an SCA event for me. If I could sit in a corner at an event, with a handful of friends, I'd count it as a great time. I've done this at camping events now and then. Some of my fondest non-nude memories of Quad War are basically this.
But I can't do this at a busy day event. For one thing, even if I set out to do this, the people I want to see can't oblige me. They're constantly being interrupted. Hell this happened yesterday. I thought "I'll hang out with X, that'll put me in a good mood", only to have someone grab a chair and sit between us so they could talk to them instead. The whole event for everyone (not just me) turns into a frustrating series of drive-by huggings and faux socializing.
In my rant, I mentioned "80 percent of the people here only barely tolerate me". Obviously, this is an exaggeration - I simply don't know that many people. Vast amounts of any SCA event are familiar looking strangers, and being, ahem, a unique looking individual, I'm sure I fall into that category for all of them too.
There are people who barely tolerate me though. If they're just random strangers who jumped to a conclusion about me, so be it. The real problem is there's plenty of people I used to call friends who are in that category. Having to spend significant time with former friends who snub you unless they need something, is unpleasant. And the worst part is, I often have no fucking clue what I did for them to go from "let's invite James over to the house party" to not acknowledging my presence unless forced to. I suspect that for a lot of them it's doesn't take the SCA as seriously as we do.
Again, none of this is unique to me, and I know plenty of other people in the snub-club. Hmm, maybe we should have a party at a camping event some time.
Next up, I have the constant reminder that becoming the archery champion cost me at least one friendship. If I knew then what I know now, I'd have never vied in the first place. I fully expect that statement to be thrown at me as a reason why I'm a bad person and should step down as archery champion. C'est la vie.
Finally, and let's not forget these all-important points that have nothing whatsoever to do with the SCA: I have a history of depression. I have social anxiety. I was in a lot of pain.
I really just want to go to my last few events as champion, then get the hell away from it all for awhile. The mental cost of events is simply too much for me to keep paying. Maybe I'll change my mind at some point (for example, A/T War still sounds like fun), but as of now, I'm done.
In the interest of not being a total downer, here are four things I truly enjoyed yesterday:
( My usual emo BS, you can safely skip this... )
So I keep having a bad time going to SCA events. What exactly is the problem here?
Well, it's not really the SCA per se. Well, one aspect of it is, but it's a minor thing. I've described it before and call it SCA Exclusivity.
Basically, as a society, we like a level of boasting and recognition that is over-the-top when compared to real world. Whenever someone is elevated or committing to a relationship in the SCA, we sing that person's praises long and loud. This person isn't just good, they're the greatest person ever.
There's nothing wrong with that. I think the real world could do with more of it, but it's generally unheard of outside of wedding speeches. Still, Valentine's day sucks if you're single, Mother's day sucks if your mother is dead, and hearing someone speechify about how this person is the best person ever when you know they're really not, and people never talk about you that way, except when they want something, sucks. I'm happy for these other people, but it always underlines that I'll never be good enough. (To clarify, I mean not good enough for the SCA. I'm plenty good enough as a person.)
Funny thing is, SCA exclusivity is not unique to me. I've described this often enough in other posts, here and on Facebook, that I know of a lot of people who've noticed the same thing. My curse of being alone in a crowd is not solely mine.
The next problem is that SCA events (especially very full day events like 12th Night) are so busy, with so many people. As an introvert, that's a very draining prospect. I much prefer seeing a few people in a deeper, more meaningful sense. An evening at a pub with a handful of friends will always be more enjoyable than an SCA event for me. If I could sit in a corner at an event, with a handful of friends, I'd count it as a great time. I've done this at camping events now and then. Some of my fondest non-nude memories of Quad War are basically this.
But I can't do this at a busy day event. For one thing, even if I set out to do this, the people I want to see can't oblige me. They're constantly being interrupted. Hell this happened yesterday. I thought "I'll hang out with X, that'll put me in a good mood", only to have someone grab a chair and sit between us so they could talk to them instead. The whole event for everyone (not just me) turns into a frustrating series of drive-by huggings and faux socializing.
In my rant, I mentioned "80 percent of the people here only barely tolerate me". Obviously, this is an exaggeration - I simply don't know that many people. Vast amounts of any SCA event are familiar looking strangers, and being, ahem, a unique looking individual, I'm sure I fall into that category for all of them too.
There are people who barely tolerate me though. If they're just random strangers who jumped to a conclusion about me, so be it. The real problem is there's plenty of people I used to call friends who are in that category. Having to spend significant time with former friends who snub you unless they need something, is unpleasant. And the worst part is, I often have no fucking clue what I did for them to go from "let's invite James over to the house party" to not acknowledging my presence unless forced to. I suspect that for a lot of them it's doesn't take the SCA as seriously as we do.
Again, none of this is unique to me, and I know plenty of other people in the snub-club. Hmm, maybe we should have a party at a camping event some time.
Next up, I have the constant reminder that becoming the archery champion cost me at least one friendship. If I knew then what I know now, I'd have never vied in the first place. I fully expect that statement to be thrown at me as a reason why I'm a bad person and should step down as archery champion. C'est la vie.
Finally, and let's not forget these all-important points that have nothing whatsoever to do with the SCA: I have a history of depression. I have social anxiety. I was in a lot of pain.
I really just want to go to my last few events as champion, then get the hell away from it all for awhile. The mental cost of events is simply too much for me to keep paying. Maybe I'll change my mind at some point (for example, A/T War still sounds like fun), but as of now, I'm done.
In the interest of not being a total downer, here are four things I truly enjoyed yesterday:
- Witnessing a fun archery tournament with some really well-designed targets. They're going into the book.
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wendy_licious is a sweetheart for putting up with my bullshit. No, she was not the receiver of the rant.- The presentation of Baron Kraig's Pelican scroll, by Sir Kian, gave me my one good solid belly laugh of the day. I needed that.
- Baron James' feast. Oh god, that feast.
