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A Priest, a Rabbi and a Mullah Walk Into a Bar...
Snopes has a thread regarding religious jokes, prompted by this article. Of course, the very first responce hit the nail on the head:
I thought I'd share some of the better ones with you here.
Why did all the girls like Jesus?
Because he was hung like this *extends arms*.
What's this? *covers eyes*
Jesus cheating at hide and seek.
Buddha goes to a hot dog vendor on the street and says "Make me one with everything!"
The Lord Buddha then pays for the $3 hotdog with a five-dollar bill. The vendor thanks him and returns to making hot dogs.
"Where is my $2?" Buddha asks.
"Change must come from within," the vendor replies.
Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?
Because someone will think they're dancing.
One day Jesus and Satan got into an argument over who was the better computer programmer. The argument went on and on, ad nauseum, and finally God got pissed off at both of them and set up a test to determine the answer once and for all.
So God set up two computers back-to-back in an office, assigned the rivals a programming problem, and gave them three hours to write the code.
So they worked and they worked, and toward the end of the six hours they were both close to finished, when there was a flash of lightning and a crash of thunder and the power went dead. A moment later, with just seven and a half minutes left on the deadline, the lights came back on and Jesus and Satan turned their computers back on to discover that the data they'd been working on was gone.
Satan, in a fit of frustration, roared, cursed, shoved his computer off the desk and set fire to his chair. Jesus, on the other hand, simply clicked his mouse a few times and all the lost data miraculously reappeared! He entered one last calculation and leaned back in satisfaction, his work complete.
"It's not fair!" The devil shouted, pounding his fist at the heavens. "How come my work disappeared and his didn't? This is cheating, this is blatant favoritism, this is an outrage!"
"It's really very simple," came a calm voice from on high. "Jesus saves."
Supposedly when Mark Twain visited the Middle East a boat wanted $8 to cross the Sea of Galilee.
"$8!!" Twain exclaimed. "No wonder Christ walked."
Once there was a dying priest. For his last request he asked the town lawyer and the town tax collector to come see him. When they did, he asked them to stand on each side of his bed. Then he lay back and smiled. After a few seconds, the two men were puzzled. One of them asked the priest why he asked for them. The priest replied, "I've always wanted to die like Christ. Between two thieves."
Three men are sitting around, discussing their families. One is a Baptist, one is a Catholic, and one is a Mormon.
The Baptist says, "I've got four kids. One more, and I've got my own basketball team."
"That's nothing," says the Catholic. "I've got ten kids. One more and I've got my own football team."
All eyes turn to the Mormon. He says, "I've 17 wives. One more and I've got my own golf course."
Two men were sitting around one day, and the conversation came to the topic of old books. One man told the other, "I came across a Gutenberg Bible in my attic the other day, and although it was is superb condition, I had to throw it away."
"Throw it away?" The other man said. "Why, that would have been worth thousands upon thousands of dollars!"
"No," said the first man, "it was worthless. Some clown named Martin Luther had written all over it."
On night,an old priest with wavering health is visited by Satan during the night;
"Abandon your faith!If you worship me instead,I will give you all the money you want!"
"Never!" The priest reponded "The people of the village gives all the money the church needs!"
Satan curses and disappears in a puff of smoke.The next night he appears once again in front of the priest.
"Give up your faith!" Satan said, "If you do I will restore your health and make you immune to all diseases!"
"Never!" the priest responded "The Sisters gives me all the care I need"
The devil curses and disappears in a puff of smoke.The next night he appears once more before the priest.
"Abandon your faith!" Satan said "If you do I will give you all the women you could ever desire!"
"Never!" the priest reponded "The altar boys gives me..."
A group of ministers were travelling together in a car when they wrecked and all were killed.
When they came up to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said to the Roman Catholic priest: "In spite of all your service, I cannot let you in, because you were too fond of the intamate company of women."
To the Assemblies of God minister he said, "I cannot let you in, for you were too fond of dancing."
To the Baptist preacher he said, "I cannot let you in, because you were too fond of Martinis."
The last clergyman hung back. St. Peter said, "Why haven't you tried to enter."
"St. Peter," he replied,"I have done ALL those things."
"In which church did you serve?"
"I was an Anglican."
"Come on in."
Reuben met with three of his rabbi colleagues every Sunday to argue philosophy. Inevitably, young Reuben would lose every debate. One day when he was convinced that his argument was right and the other rabbis were wrong, he turned his eyes to heaven and cried, "Lord! I know that I am right and they are wrong. Give us a sign!" Immediately, dark clouds formed and covered the sky. The other rabbis stroked their beards and said that didn't prove anything. So again Reuben appealed, "Lord! They are still not convinced! Another sign, please!" And a bolt of lightening cracked from heaven and split a nearby tree. The other rabbis were still skeptical. Reuben cried, "Lord! One more! Something to show them that I am right!" And a deep voice boomed across the land: "HE... IS... RIGHT!" The other rabbis looked at each other and nodded. Then one said to Reuben, "Okay, so now it's two against three!"
Q. What's this? (hold your arms out straight)
A. A crappy way to spend Easter.
Q. What are the 3 most dangerous jobs in Newfoundland?
A. Policeman, fireman and alter boy.
Q. Did you hear about Robbie Kneival's latest, most dangerous stunt?
A. He's going to ride across Newfoundland dressed as an alter boy.
Because there are few things consistently funnier than pretension and/or hypocrisy lampooned?Since the discussion was immediately over, everyone decided to share their favorite jokes.
I thought I'd share some of the better ones with you here.
Why did all the girls like Jesus?
Because he was hung like this *extends arms*.
What's this? *covers eyes*
Jesus cheating at hide and seek.
Buddha goes to a hot dog vendor on the street and says "Make me one with everything!"
The Lord Buddha then pays for the $3 hotdog with a five-dollar bill. The vendor thanks him and returns to making hot dogs.
"Where is my $2?" Buddha asks.
"Change must come from within," the vendor replies.
Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?
Because someone will think they're dancing.
One day Jesus and Satan got into an argument over who was the better computer programmer. The argument went on and on, ad nauseum, and finally God got pissed off at both of them and set up a test to determine the answer once and for all.
So God set up two computers back-to-back in an office, assigned the rivals a programming problem, and gave them three hours to write the code.
So they worked and they worked, and toward the end of the six hours they were both close to finished, when there was a flash of lightning and a crash of thunder and the power went dead. A moment later, with just seven and a half minutes left on the deadline, the lights came back on and Jesus and Satan turned their computers back on to discover that the data they'd been working on was gone.
Satan, in a fit of frustration, roared, cursed, shoved his computer off the desk and set fire to his chair. Jesus, on the other hand, simply clicked his mouse a few times and all the lost data miraculously reappeared! He entered one last calculation and leaned back in satisfaction, his work complete.
"It's not fair!" The devil shouted, pounding his fist at the heavens. "How come my work disappeared and his didn't? This is cheating, this is blatant favoritism, this is an outrage!"
"It's really very simple," came a calm voice from on high. "Jesus saves."
Supposedly when Mark Twain visited the Middle East a boat wanted $8 to cross the Sea of Galilee.
"$8!!" Twain exclaimed. "No wonder Christ walked."
Once there was a dying priest. For his last request he asked the town lawyer and the town tax collector to come see him. When they did, he asked them to stand on each side of his bed. Then he lay back and smiled. After a few seconds, the two men were puzzled. One of them asked the priest why he asked for them. The priest replied, "I've always wanted to die like Christ. Between two thieves."
Three men are sitting around, discussing their families. One is a Baptist, one is a Catholic, and one is a Mormon.
The Baptist says, "I've got four kids. One more, and I've got my own basketball team."
"That's nothing," says the Catholic. "I've got ten kids. One more and I've got my own football team."
All eyes turn to the Mormon. He says, "I've 17 wives. One more and I've got my own golf course."
Two men were sitting around one day, and the conversation came to the topic of old books. One man told the other, "I came across a Gutenberg Bible in my attic the other day, and although it was is superb condition, I had to throw it away."
"Throw it away?" The other man said. "Why, that would have been worth thousands upon thousands of dollars!"
"No," said the first man, "it was worthless. Some clown named Martin Luther had written all over it."
On night,an old priest with wavering health is visited by Satan during the night;
"Abandon your faith!If you worship me instead,I will give you all the money you want!"
"Never!" The priest reponded "The people of the village gives all the money the church needs!"
Satan curses and disappears in a puff of smoke.The next night he appears once again in front of the priest.
"Give up your faith!" Satan said, "If you do I will restore your health and make you immune to all diseases!"
"Never!" the priest responded "The Sisters gives me all the care I need"
The devil curses and disappears in a puff of smoke.The next night he appears once more before the priest.
"Abandon your faith!" Satan said "If you do I will give you all the women you could ever desire!"
"Never!" the priest reponded "The altar boys gives me..."
A group of ministers were travelling together in a car when they wrecked and all were killed.
When they came up to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said to the Roman Catholic priest: "In spite of all your service, I cannot let you in, because you were too fond of the intamate company of women."
To the Assemblies of God minister he said, "I cannot let you in, for you were too fond of dancing."
To the Baptist preacher he said, "I cannot let you in, because you were too fond of Martinis."
The last clergyman hung back. St. Peter said, "Why haven't you tried to enter."
"St. Peter," he replied,"I have done ALL those things."
"In which church did you serve?"
"I was an Anglican."
"Come on in."
Reuben met with three of his rabbi colleagues every Sunday to argue philosophy. Inevitably, young Reuben would lose every debate. One day when he was convinced that his argument was right and the other rabbis were wrong, he turned his eyes to heaven and cried, "Lord! I know that I am right and they are wrong. Give us a sign!" Immediately, dark clouds formed and covered the sky. The other rabbis stroked their beards and said that didn't prove anything. So again Reuben appealed, "Lord! They are still not convinced! Another sign, please!" And a bolt of lightening cracked from heaven and split a nearby tree. The other rabbis were still skeptical. Reuben cried, "Lord! One more! Something to show them that I am right!" And a deep voice boomed across the land: "HE... IS... RIGHT!" The other rabbis looked at each other and nodded. Then one said to Reuben, "Okay, so now it's two against three!"
Q. What's this? (hold your arms out straight)
A. A crappy way to spend Easter.
Q. What are the 3 most dangerous jobs in Newfoundland?
A. Policeman, fireman and alter boy.
Q. Did you hear about Robbie Kneival's latest, most dangerous stunt?
A. He's going to ride across Newfoundland dressed as an alter boy.
no subject
Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus.
Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate
on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence.............
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities
But then there were equally good arguments that.....
JESUS WAS BLACK
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial
But then there were equally good arguments that.......
JESUS WAS JEWISH
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother
was sure he was God
But then there were equally good arguments that.......
JESUS WAS ITALIAN
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil
But then there were equally good arguments that.......
JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion
But then there were equally good arguments that.......
JESUS WAS IRISH
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures
But perhaps the most compelling evidence .........
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN .....
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when
there was no food
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch
of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because
there was more work for him to do.
----
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
The one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
---
These are actual clippings from church newspapers. It's amazing what a
little proofreading would prevent:
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary
Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way
from Africa!
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals."
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy
*sinning* to join the choir.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7pm there will
be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and
come prepared to sin.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this
*tragedy*.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance!
---
Pope John Paul dies. He gets to Heaven and asks Saint Peter if he could look up something.
St. Peter says, "Surely Pope John Paul. See this library of books? You can find anything you need to find in this library."
John Paul thanks him and off he goes to the library. About 3 hours passes when all of a sudden, a loud cry and then sobs of moaning are coming from the room.
St. Peter rushes in and says, "What is wrong Pope?"
"It says CELEBRATE... not CELEBATE..."